The Valley Of The Shadow

Issues – April 2020 – Grace & Truth Magazine

The Valley Of The Shadow

Grief is very real, and we all experience it at one time or another. There may be times when you feel completely crushed and as if the very fabric of your life is being shaken, but listen to what God has promised us in His Word:

“The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Ps. 34:18 ESV).“‘The mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but My steadfast [unfailing] love shall not depart from you, and My covenant of peace shall not be removed,’ says the LORD, who has compassion on you” (Isa. 54:10).

What Is Grief?
Let’s begin by getting a definition of grief. Grief is an overwhelming feeling of sorrow, pain, regret and sadness. We feel as if our hearts were broken, that nothing will ever be the same, or that happiness will never be possible again. Grief is a normal response to the loss of any person, object or desired opportunity that is significant to us. Some circumstances that cause grief are:

Death of a loved oneDeath of a petDivorceJob lossChange in church fellowshipFinancial setbacksChildren leaving home

Grief can affect our thinking, behavior, emotions, relationships and health. People may experience sleeplessness, exhaustion, indigestion, decreased appetite or memory lapses. When we lose someone or something significant we are also faced with what some have called “secondary losses.” Life has been turned upside down. We may think we have lost our identity, asking, “Who am I without my loved one?” A loss of security is also felt: “How am I going to make it on my own?”

Grief is often messy, unpredictable and follows no set timetable, but it is a process that allows us to recover from loss. Someone said, “Grief is itself medicine.” Another compared the grieving process to sailing across a stormy sea. When we first experience a great loss we are launched into a tempest of emotions, feeling as if we are surrounded by darkness and heavy waves of anguish. Words of comfort are drowned out by howling winds of sorrow. We feel lonely and out of control as we are swept toward a new way of life.

We must allow ourselves time to face and experience grief in order to begin the journey toward healing, for grief is necessary and a prerequisite to healing. The Lord Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted” (Mt. 5:4). According to this verse there must be a time of mourning before a person can experience comfort. If you are in a situation that is causing you grief, you must allow yourself time to mourn and grieve.

A good biblical example of this was when Joseph’s father, Jacob, died. This son “fell on his father’s face and wept over him and kissed him” (Gen. 50:1). Joseph was hurting inside at the death of his father, and he knew the importance of the grieving process. When his father died, he did not rush himself, nor did he deny his feelings. In fact, the Bible says that Joseph and the Egyptians mourned for 70 days (v.3).

How long does the healing process take? It could take months or years, or a person may never fully get over the death of a loved one.

Stages Of Grief
When people grieve they normally go through many stages, but not always in the same order or through all the stages. For our study we will refer to the first stage as denial or shock. This involves numbness or a feeling that what happened was not real. We try to avoid the reality of the loss. Usually this stage does not last very long.

The next stage is often anger accompanied with anxiety. The hurt inside is so deep that you get angry. You may get mad at the person who died, at yourself for things that you should not have said or for what you should have done but didn’t. You may even get mad at God (Ps. 13:1-4).

The third stage of grief is depression. It is when you realize the loss is permanent. This results in extreme sadness, emptiness and loneliness. You may not want to go anywhere, see others or engage in normal activities. During this stage guilt normally enters into the picture. You start saying, “Why didn’t I ...?”, “Why did I ...?” or, “If only I had ...”

Another stage of grief for some might be one of bargaining. This is when we try to get back who or what was lost – which cannot be retrieved.

The final stage is acceptance. This is when we learn to live with the loss. Things do not go back the way they were before – they never can – but the Lord helps us to find a way to move forward in our life. This is sometimes described as finding a “new normal.”

Grief Is Normal
Ecclesiastes 3:1,4 says, “For everything there is a season, a time for every matter under heaven: ... a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.” Many Bible stories demonstrate how God comforts His people in times of sorrow and loss. Job clung desperately to God despite catastrophic loss and unhelpful friends. David, a man after God’s own heart, openly grieved the death of his son.

The Lord Jesus is the best example of combining faith and grief, as revealed in John 11:1-45. When He saw Mary and Martha in anguish because of the death of their brother Lazarus, He wept and groaned. Although Jesus knew He was about to raise Lazarus from the dead, He still allowed Himself to feel and express the depths of human sorrow.

We can take comfort in knowing that Jesus has experienced all of our pain, whether in losses, rejections, betrayals or death. As our Savior and Redeemer, He took all our sins to the cross (1 Pet. 2:24) and forgives us when we ask (1 Jn. 1:9). Being the Good Shepherd, He leads us safely through “the valley of the shadow of death” (Ps. 23:4). Remember, a shadow indicates that there is a light on the other side!

Deep faith in Christ does not prevent grief when a believer dies, but it infuses, or permeates, grief with hope! For Christians, death is a passageway to eternal life (see Jn. 5:24). Paul said, “To live is Christ, and to die is gain” (Phil. 1:21). He also said, “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep” (1 Th. 4:13-14).

Well-meaning people may say about believers, “Jesus took your loved one away,” but that comment can cause people, especially children, to be angry with God. First Corinthians 15:26 says death is our last enemy. Therefore, we can say, “Death took our loved one away from us, but Jesus has taken our loved one away from death!”

If we do not know whether our loved one believed in Jesus, we must simply trust God. The Bible says, “The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance” (2 Pet. 3:9 NKJV). One thief crucified with Jesus turned to Him in faith during his last hours of life (Lk. 23:39-43). We do not know what happens in a person’s final moments as life gives way to death, but God does and He knows all who enter His heaven.

The Holy Spirit is called the “Comforter” (Jn. 14:26 JND) and can give us God’s peace even in the midst of suffering. Philippians 4:6-7 tells us, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus” (NKJV). The peace of God does not come from our circumstances but from drawing close to our Father who invites us to cast “all your care upon Him, for He cares for you” (1 Pet. 5:7). He urges us to come into His loving arms so He can heal our wounded hearts. He has mercy on those who are in distress (Ps. 31:9).

Steps Forward
Just as there are stages of grief, the Lord has steps forward for us as we pass through this valley called the grieving process. The experience may feel like it is never going to end, but the darkness does not have to last forever! There is light in the God of all comfort, who desires to comfort us. Here are five ways He comforts and blesses us as we pass through the deep valleys of grief:

1. He is the God of all comfort! Second Corinthians 1:3-4 reminds us, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” As the God of all comfort He puts all of our tears in His bottle (Ps. 56:8), meaning that He is intimately aware of all our pain, sadness and depression. Psalm 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
2. He and He alone can remove our burdens and lift us up. Grief can be a huge weight to carry with us all the time. But the Lord invites us to hand it over to Him! In Matthew 11:28 the Lord Jesus said, “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Psalm 55:22 says to “cast your burden on the Lord.”
3. God provides strength. Grief and sorrow can be very exhausting emotionally, physically and spiritually. David felt grief and knew that God would supply the strength he needed when he cried out, “My soul melts from heaviness [or grief]; strengthen me according to Your word” (Ps. 119:28). In Isaiah 41:10 the Lord encouraged us: “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”
4. The Lord promises to renew us, which is closely related to the previous point. In Isaiah 40:31 we read: “Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”
5. God turns our weeping into joy and our mourning into dancing (Ps. 30:5,11). The grief will not last forever!

Helping Others Through Grief
Everyone grieves differently. This depends on personality, religious beliefs, maturity, emotional stability and cultural traditions. So, how can we help those who are grieving?

First, be there! During times of grief most people do not remember the words you say to them, but they do remember if you were there. Never underestimate the power of your presence with someone in his or her time of grief. Be there. You will never know how much that means to them.

Second, listen! One of the best things you can do for a person who is grieving is to simply listen. A grieving person needs to talk about the feelings he or she is experiencing, the details of the death, funeral and the past memories of his or her loved one. Encourage the individual to share feelings. Be a good listener and do not judge what is said. Romans 12:15 says, “Weep with those who weep.” Tell the grieving person that it is okay to feel anger, hurt and pain, and that God understands their feelings because He knows what it is like to experience grief.

Third, ask the Lord for guidance when you speak. Avoid platitudes, meaning common and overused remarks. Let the person feel sorrow without implying that he or she should “cheer up” or “be joyful in the Lord,” for this could give the impression you are questioning the person’s spirituality. Right then may not be the time to quote Romans 8:28. They need your open heart!

Fourth, share God’s Word. Never tell a grieving person that it was God’s will that their loved one was taken; the comment minimizes a person’s death. Do not push or preach, but if the person indicates an openness, pray and share meaningful Scriptures.

Lastly, do simple things without being asked, such as bringing a meal, washing dishes, babysitting, mowing the lawn or making repairs. By doing these practical things we display the compassion of the God of all comfort

Grief hits all of us, and it affects those around us. But the Lord promises to be with us – His own – forever, even in the midst of our darkest hours. He has promised never to leave or forsake us! Be encouraged. Grief will pass, but He is with us to stay!

By Timothy P. Hadley

There is rest in the midst of grief — For His grief was the proof of love; Oh, ’tis sweet in that love now to find relief, When the sorrows of earth we prove.—John N. Darby (1800-1882)