I Was A Single Parent

I Was A SINGLE Parent

It was Sunday morning, December 20,1987. I arrived at church early to make sure everything was ready for the worship service. We were also to have a special Christmas program during the family service in which the Sunday school children would have a part. My wife and our children would follow a half hour later, and this Sunday she planned to stop at the market place to buy some flowers for the chapel.

With fifteen minutes to go before we started, my son David came in to tell me, “Dad, you better come out and see Mum; she’s sick.”

I went to the car to find Ann pale and suffering. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “I have this pain in my chest and I think it’s my heart,” she replied.

I could see the situation was serious, and we took off in a hurry for the clinic three miles away. On the way Ann told me she loved me, then began to tell me where she had hidden the children’s Christmas gifts so that I’d be able to find them.

“Don’t worry,” I replied, “everything will be all right.”

We arrived at the clinic and the doctor immediately brought the equipment for an electrocardiogram. I prayed with Ann as he set up the equipment and started the machine which showed an intensive heart attack in progress. I was looking into her eyes and suddenly the irises fixed and I saw Ann’s life leave her body. I said to the doctor who was still watching the ECG machine, “She just died! Do something fast.”

He announced the emergency, and began to pound her chest, then the nurses wheeled her to another room. I was stunned, and wondered, “Will they be able to bring her back?” After a half hour, the doctor came to tell me that she had passed away. “How could this happen?” I thought. “What is God ’s purpose in this for me?”

God had brought us to Colombia to serve Him 19 years before, and Ann was an integral part of the mission work. She had been involved in teaching women, training Sunday school teachers, and writing the women’s and children’s sections of a monthly family magazine I edited and published. Having a Master’s Degree in languages, Ann had been invaluable in proofreading the articles and books we published in Spanish.

After some time passed, a nurse took me to the room where Ann was. Then I realized why I had to wait: Colombia being a very Catholic country, a priest was called in to give Ann last rites. As he unstopped a bottle of oil to anoint her I said, “Ann doesn’t need that. She is already with her Savior. I am an evangelical missionary and Scripture says that for a believer to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.”

I left heavy hearted and burdened with the task ahead. I returned to our church and took the three children – David, 14, Adriana, 11, and Philip, 8 – into the prayer room to tell them their mother had gone home to be with the Lord. Philip, with all the faith of a young boy who loved the Lord, whispered with tears in his eyes, “It’s better for Mum, but sure hard for us.”

The stark realization that I was now alone without a wife slammed me into a state of confusion. How could I continue as a missionary without a wife? When God called us to Colombia we set out to be there for life. I had no intention of leaving, but how would I do all the things I had been doing plus take on the family and household responsibilities Ann had taken care of?

I felt I had to bottle my grief for the children’s sake, and try to make life as normal as possible. But as time passed, it became increasingly obvious that I could not keep up with my missionary activities and my family’s needs as well. I couldn’t have a maid in the home for testimony’s sake. I was involved in the pastoral/ teaching work, running a bookshop, publishing a magazine, tracts and books, and supervising 13 print shop employees.

I prayed many times, “Lord, if you want me to stay in Colombia, then bring a wife here to help me. I can’t do it alone.” I was burning out fast. It seemed as though the Lord answered my prayer when a short-term, single missionary came to help in the city where we lived. I began to pursue this sister I thought the Lord had brought to our family. Unfortunately, as time would tell, I was trying to help the Lord rather than resting and having Him help me. The resulting failed relationship only added to my burden of grief.

Pick Up The Pieces
After a time of self-examination before the Lord, I realized my mistake in trying to force things instead of waiting on the Lord. Could it be that He wanted me to leave Colombia? After a year of struggling as a single parent in Colombia I was burnt out and felt that I should return to my home in Australia. I needed time to regroup, pray and seek direction from the Lord.

I had help from family and friends in Sydney, and with the children going to school each day, I was able to spend my mornings reading and praying, even though I couldn’t always sense the Lord’s presence. I felt it was important not to rely on feelings, but rather practice what I had preached for so many years – get into the Word and pray. Eventually, I got through all the documented stages of grief, accepted my situation and quietly waited on the Lord. This was a major breakthrough for me, as I was the sort of person that, once I felt I knew what the Lord wanted, forged ahead with little regard for the feelings or ideas of others.

For Single Parents
As a single parent, I learned that there are all sorts of daily burdens that can either cause depression, self pity and anger, or lead to greater dependence upon, and a deeper relationship with the Lord. It was up to me as a single parent to make the right choices and stick to them.

Seeing happy families can bring feelings of envy or jealousy, which will break down interpersonal relationships even with old friends. Anger at God for being in a single-parent situation can break down a relationship with the Lord and lead to depression and self pity. Many singles who are continually having a “pity party” turn off those who want to help. They need to ask the Lord to give them activities that use what’s left of their energies.

At night when the children are in bed and there is no one to talk to, loneliness becomes the constant companion. One can easily be tempted to resort to things that only intensify the situation. After years of being happily married, sexual desire can be a difficult hurdle to overcome. Some resort to pornography and self gratification, which is no answer to that very personal need. Job had the answer when he stated, “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl” (Job 31:1). We need to remember Paul’s exhortation: “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God” (1 Th. 4:3-5 NIV).

Single parents must come to terms with the situation, and, rather than dwell on the negative feelings, get more involved in meeting the family’s needs. Also, becoming involved in church activities will open them to guidance and encouragement from Scripture. Then too, reaching out to other singles in the church will help and encourage those struggling with the same issues. Concerning the desire for a partner, if He has someone prepared for you and your family the Lord’s timing is best.

Unmarried And Married
Unmarried singles have other feelings and problems as they struggle with their singleness: “Why hasn’t God brought a companion into my life? Why can’t I have the same joys of marriage that my married friends take for granted?” Not only are singles left out of activities which families enjoy together, but are often subjected to unasked-for matchmaking, and are called on to baby-sit while married friends go out together.

Married couples should not treat their single friends only as automatic baby-sitters. Instead, they should include them in their circle of friends. Single adults enjoy the fellowship of people their own age, including their married friends, even though they may not fit into every conversation. One of the greatest enemies of the single person is loneliness. Have you thought to invite a single person out on some family excursion, camping trip or other activity just to enjoy each other’s company?

Single women often think about being married and having children. This can be a cause of depression for some. One single woman told me that the best way she found to avoid that kind of depression was to ask the Lord to give her a ministry that gave real purpose to her life. Marriage is not a prerequisite to serving the Lord. Singles should not get hung up on their singleness, but rather leave it with the Lord.

I remember many single men in Colombia saying, “I need to get married so that I can serve the Lord.” What they were actually saying was that they were so frustrated by sexual desire that their lives were not right with God. Their relationship with the Lord was impaired because they had not come to victory in this area of their lives. The two natures were still struggling and had not yet come under the control of the Holy Spirit.

Sexual frustration is a real problem, especially for the single man. All the drives are there, but they cannot be fulfilled outside the marriage bond. This, however, should not be a reason for not serving the Lord, but rather an opportunity to serve Him more because he is not tied down with all the responsibilities of marriage and a family. And married men can have just as many temptations to sexual impurity as single men; we all need to exercise self control, which is a fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23).

Accept And Wait
Acceptance of my present situation was the essence of victory in this and other areas of my life: “Godliness with contentment is great gain”(1 Tim. 6:6). When I came to realize that God was in control of my life and all that happened around me, I had the confidence to leave the matter of being a single parent with Him. Jeremiah was called to live a single life (Jer. 16:1); if that’s what God wanted for me, so be it. In due time He gave me another wife and mother for my children!

God calls some people to live a single life. We all need to understand that whether married or single, He has a plan for our lives, and real blessing comes as we allow Him to work His plan. He wants us to have faith that He will fulfill His purposes and bring us to the place of real blessing.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: After Ian Taylor’s missionary service in Colombia, the Lord moved him to the USA where he now serves as writer/editor of “Buenas Nuevas” a bi-monthly gospel publication of Good Tidings Publisher, in addition to pastoral work in a church in Wisconsin.