Thoughts For Couples Planning Marriage

Family – February 2022 – Grace & Truth Magazine

A Few Thoughts For Couples Planning To Be Married

“Why Should We Have Premarital Counseling? We Love Each Other!”
It is amazing, with all the information and materials about marriage, that so many couples struggle today! Given the staggering divorce rates, one of the best things you can do to help save your marriage before it begins is to have premarital counseling. We see premarital counseling as an important part of getting a new couple off on the right foot.

The apostle Paul in his pastoral instructions to Titus told him to equip others who will in turn teach the younger generation (Ti. 2:1-6). This is counseling that has at its core the teaching of biblical truth, standards and absolutes in one’s relationship to others, which is especially important in a premarital situation. We cannot use what we do not know. The couple who intends to become one must be instructed in God’s perspective concerning marriage.

Premarital counseling based on biblical principles outlines the roles of the husband and wife as they relate to each other and to their prospective children (Eph. 5:22–6:4; Col. 3:18-21). It is an excellent way to clear up misconceptions about marriage, set goals and distinguish between God’s standards and those of the world. In premarital counseling, issues can be discussed which you may not have thought about, such as how you intend to manage finances, how you plan to split household chores, how you are going to handle holidays, how to discipline the children, and much more.

Getting The Most Out Of The Sessions
Just as in marriage, such sessions require total honesty. A marriage built on anything less than complete honesty is in trouble! Most conflict in marriage comes as a result of poor communication, so it is important to talk together, sharing openly and honestly.

Some things discussed might make you uncomfortable at first, but no subject should be considered taboo or off limits. The more you are able to discuss before you say, “I do,” the less surprises you will have later! What is shared together must stay between you.

A Few Things To Consider From The Start
1. God wants your marriage to be a reflection of Christ and the Church. A Christ-centered, healthy marriage will honor God, be a good witness to others, and will bring joy to you, your family, and the local assembly. Godly marriages are foundational building blocks of the family, the assembly, and society. If your marriage is unhappy or full of conflict, it may become a poor testimony and example to others, especially to your children. A broken marriage brings reproach and hurt upon the couple, their families, and ultimately the assembly. Paul said, “For we are members of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones. ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church” (Eph. 5:30-32 NKJV).

2. Satan wants to harm and destroy your marriage and family: “Lest Satan should take advantage of us; for we are not ignorant of his devices” (2 Cor. 2:11). Don’t be ignorant of his devices! Satan is well aware that by harming your most important relationships he can disrupt, undermine and ruin your ability to be effective ambassadors for Christ in this world. He knows that if your children grow up in a home with marital conflict or instability, they will be deprived of much of the instruction and examples that God desires you to model for them. The world today often rejects or undermines biblical values regarding husbands and wives in marriage. Therefore, you need to learn about God’s design for marriage and not accept society’s view.

3. While God desires the challenges that you will face in marriage to strengthen you, Satan desires to use those same challenges to divide you through conflict and unmet needs. Early marriage is a time when you both will be doing a lot of learning, compromising and blending. The blending of backgrounds, personalities and experiences in your marriage is what makes it both a blessing and, at times, a challenge. While God desires to use your unique combination of strengths and weaknesses as a couple to draw you closer to each other and to God, Satan desires to create tension, polarization, emotional distance, power struggles and bitterness. Satan will “sift” you as a couple (Lk. 22:31) and seek to create disconnectedness, poor communication and spiritual impoverishment within your marriage. Do not underestimate his ability and determination to try to harm your relationship! Remember, “Iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend” (Prov. 27:17). Keep in mind Peter’s warning, “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your [brethren] in the world” (1 Pet. 5:8-9).

4. If you develop a strong foundation early in your marriage, you can avoid many of the common problems that befall married couples. If you are centered on Christ, proactive and willing to learn, you will be more likely to develop a godly, healthy marital relationship. Doing preventative maintenance in your relationship is much easier and effective than doing damage control. If you let small issues and problems build up and brew for a long time, they can become major issues that undermine your marriage. “A prudent man foresees the evil and hides himself; the simple pass on and are punished” (Prov. 27:12).

5. Both of you need to “leave” your parents and “cleave” to each other emotionally. The process of “leaving” and “cleaving” is specifically mentioned in Scripture, but is often misunderstood, underestimated or overlooked by engaged and newly married couples. If you do not effectively deal with unhealthy entanglements and attachments in your families of origin, you are at risk for increased conflict in your marriage and with members of your extended families. However, if you develop a solid oneness together that can relate to but be separate from both of your families, you will be more able to live out God’s design for your marriage. This is why Paul said, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh” (Eph. 5:31).

6. You need to successfully transition from a life of abstinence to marital sexuality. Transitioning from singleness and celibacy (in which you are trying to restrain your sexual feelings and desires) to marital sexuality (in which you can express and enjoy sexuality together) can be difficult for some couples. Satan is very aware that he can frustrate and hurt you as a couple through performance anxiety, guilt, lack of knowledge about sexuality, past sexual experiences and other matters. By helping you understand God’s standards for sexuality and His blessing on it, you will be more able to live out His intended design for sexuality in your marriage. Remember what Scripture says in Genesis 2:24-25: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined [cleave] to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.” Hebrews 13:4 adds, “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.”

7. Experienced Christian mentors are excellent resources from whom to learn accurate information and expectations about God’s design for marriage. Seeking realistic expectations about marriage is important. Experienced brothers and sisters in Christ can help you to dispel myths and to see each other and your marriage more clearly. If you are able to openly discuss your relationship with an elder, counselor or mentor prior to marriage, you are more likely to return to that person to seek further guidance after marriage, should it be needed. You should feel free to ask questions because, “Without counsel, plans go awry, but in the multitude of counselors they are established” (Prov. 15:22).

8. Personal responsibility in marriage. When God draws two people together in marriage by faith, He certainly approves and blesses the marriage. While God has promised to give you grace and provide for your needs, you must realize your responsibility in making your marriage a success. You have a responsibility to God and to each other for the maintenance and growth of your marriage. You will get out of your marriage what you put into it. Both of you have personal instruction from the Word of God: “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Pet. 3:7) and “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her” (Eph. 5:25). To the wives Paul says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord” (v.22).

By Timothy P. Hadley