A School-Age Family In Crisis

A BIBLICAL GLIMPSE OF A FUNCTIONAL FAMILYA School-Age Family In Crisis“And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and men.” Luke 2:52 Since all Scripture is inspired by the Holy Spirit and given to us for instruction (2 Tim. 3:16), it is no coincidence that an in-depth glimpse of a functional family is provided, or that the developmental stage is a school-age family. The oldest child being 6 to 12 years defines a school-age family. Consequently, the account of Jesus’ family in Luke 2:41-52 depicts a bonafide school-age family unit since it consisted of Joseph, Mary, Jesus at 12 and younger siblings. Let’s look at this passage to identify key ingredients that constitute a functional Christ-centered school-age family. As The Marriage Goes, So Goes The Family
The nature of the family is established by the nature of the marriage. The marriage must maintain its vitality throughout the child-rearing years for both the family and the marriage to thrive. Mary and Joseph kept their marriage alive by nurturing it apart from their involvement as a family. Notice how they did it: “Each year His parents went to Jerusalem for the Feast of the Passover” (Lk. 2:41 NIV). In other words, they took a yearly vacation without the kids. And their holiday had a spiritual dimension -- they went together to worship. It wasn’t until Jesus was the customary 12 years old that they took Him along, and then it became a family outing. Parents with school-age children often put their marriage on hold for the sake of the children. They rationalize that the children should come first because they only have so much time and energy, and life is so hectic that they don’t have the opportunity to nurture their marriage. As a result the parents lose touch with one another and only later discover that their marriage suffered for their devotion to raising the children. We must remember that children pass through a marriage; they don’t stay in it. Consequently, the first family priority is to keep the marriage healthy by setting time aside for it. A critical aspect of marital health is to nurture the spiritual dimension of the marriage as individuals and as a couple. Involve Children, Don’t Push Them
No more precocious child than Jesus ever lived. Yet His parents did not display Him in any way that was not typical of a child in His day. What parent would not be overjoyed to have a perfect child? Certainly Jesus qualified as a perfect child since He was “without sin” (Heb. 4:15). Yet, in spite of His precociousness His parents did not promote Him before it was typical for a child to be presented. They waited until He was twelve years old, the age that children accompanied their parents to Jerusalem. Proof of Jesus’ virtue as a perfect child is validated in our passage by His parents’ behavior: “Thinking He was in their company, they traveled on for a day” (Lk. 2:44). If Jesus had given them any reason to be concerned about His behavior, they certainly would not have gone a whole day without considering His whereabouts. They were caught completely off guard when they discovered He was missing. When they did, panic set in, and they frantically searched for Him for three days. Parents’ Panic Response Is Critical
Place yourself in Mary and Joseph’s shoes and imagine their shock, anxiety, fear, guilt and panic as they discover that Jesus is missing and then spend three days searching for Him. Can you sense their reactions and hear their conversation? Joseph, a typical male, probably grew increasingly quiet and withdrawn, and kept his comments to a minimum. He tried to maintain his composure as a means of assuring Mary that everything was going to be all right. Inside, however, he was going over and over what happened, berating himself for being so irresponsible and preoccupied. Mary, a typical female, probably wanted to talk about the situation, share her fears and anxieties and find out what Joseph was thinking. As time went on she likely felt an urgent need to express her feelings. So she probably tried to initiate conversation with Joseph -- which he resisted, thereby increasing the tension. Very likely there were stalemates in their conversations, fitful efforts to pray alone and together, and maybe some outright blaming. Typical queries might have been: “Joseph, wasn’t Jesus with you when you went up to the temple?” or “Mary, weren’t you seeing that Jesus got packed for the trip home?” The most important point of their response, however, is that it did not drive them apart. When they finally “found Him in the temple courts” (v. 46), they were together. Now imagine their emotions as they saw Jesus “sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions.” Do you think they waited for a break in the conversation to express their relief and frustration to Jesus? What do you think Mary’s tone of voice was when she said, “Why have You treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for You” (v. 48). I am sure that Joseph felt it was safer for Mary to confront Jesus in public than for him to do so. As a parent, how many times have feelings of anxiety and fear dissolved into anger once we learn that our child is all right and that he or she had acted imprudently? Maybe Joseph was feeling some of that translated anger. The point of this confrontation, however, is that Jesus’ parents held Him accountable for His behavior -- a very critical factor in a functional family. After the relief, it is important to process crisis events so that learning and responsibility can be gleaned for future benefit. Obedience: A Child’s Part In A Functional Family
Jesus response to His parents’ inquiries is both revealing and confusing to them. First He acknowledged that He had acted in accord with His divine nature by attending to His heavenly Father’s business: “Didn’t you know I had to be in My Father’s house?” (v. 49). That answer left Mary and Joseph a bit confounded, but it also implied that they understandably may have been searching for Him everywhere but the temple. Beyond His explanation, however, His actions portrayed His contribution to the functioning of His family and attested to His excellence as an example to children: “Then He went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them” (v. 51). Just as Christ is the ultimate example for each of us, the boy Jesus provides the model for school-age children to follow. Ephesians 6:1 states, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” A child’s greatest contribution to a school-age family is obedience. Obedience is the material out of which respect and honor are forged. It is also the most difficult task for a child. But it is the pathway to blessing. Learning: The School-Age Child’s Mission
The place where Jesus’ parents found Him is also significant: “They found Him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions” (v. 46). Notice the place, the position and the manner of Jesus’ learning. He was in school (the temple was the citadel of learning in His day). He was in the position of respect (“sitting” among the teachers), and He was actively seeking knowledge (asking questions). All three aspects are relevant to the training of a school-age child. Notice that in spite of who He was, He took the place of a learner. This brought Him recognition. He did not flaunt His knowledge. As a result, “Everyone who heard Him was amazed at His understanding and answers” (v. 47). In my work with school-age families, I make it a point to have on hand mini-lessons on appropriate behavior in a wide range of situations. I present these little lessons as appropriate to the children and their parents. But before I do, I inform the children that the information is for their parents only and that they need not listen. I also inform the parents that they will be tested on the information. When we meet again, I ask the parents to repeat the lesson. Inevitably, the children are the ones who give the best rendition of it. I congratulate them and then suggest that the parents hold their children accountable for acting on what they know. A Basic Family Curriculum For School-Age Children
Our passage concludes with a statement that identifies the agenda for raising a school-age child: “And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and men” (v. 52). The four most crucial aspects of a child’s development are outlined: Wisdom - stimulating and providing for the child’s intellectual development and learning both inside and outside the home; Stature -- nourishing the child’s physical development and teaching effective health habits for personal care; Favor With God -- nurturing the spiritual dimension of the child’s development by training, experience and example so as to bring the child to a commitment to Christ and developing a relationship with Him; Favor With Men - teaching and developing social skills to facilitate the child’s effectiveness in relationships inside and outside the family. Attention to these four subjects will prepare a child for life, both temporal and eternal. I suggest that parents develop a list of biblical references for each of these topics and translate them into practice in their school-age family. The book of Proverbs is a good beginning point. So This Is Normal?
Joseph and Mary certainly had a Christ-centered family, literally and figuratively. But their task of raising their children was not an easy one. How would you like to be responsible for a child who was both divine and human? Imagine growing up in a family where the oldest child was Jesus Christ. No wonder Jesus’ siblings had a tough time believing in Him (Jn. 7:5). How would you like to try to follow the example of an older sibling who was perfect? Yet Jesus’ parents did their job. Eventually His brothers and sisters learned the truth and became believers. Like every parent, they experienced learning in the course of raising their child. We know that “Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart” (Lk. 2:19), and later understood the meaning of the memories she had stored of Jesus’ childhood. However, the real encouragement to parents of school-age children comes not from the fact that we parents are fallible or that our children are not perfect. Rather it comes from the condition of dependence best depicted in five little words that represent Mary and Joseph’s response to Jesus answer: “But they did not understand” (v. 50). It is not surprising that parents feel overwhelmed given the complexity of the world into which we send our children, the complicating change that results from the growth of our children, the aging that makes us feel obsolete, and the fact that the turmoil of adolescence follows right on the heels of childhood. This is why parents need to rely on the Lord for guidance, comfort, support and strength. He is the source of wisdom for school-age parents. We do not have to depend on our own resources which invariably will fail us. Rather, we need to claim the promise of Proverbs 3:5: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” Such is the ultimate lesson to be learned from this biblical glimpse of the model, school-age family in crisis. Our ability to function is a matter of faith not formula. Functional families are the results of parents seeking the Lord’s direction. Functional families emanate from parents who make the effort to nurture their marriage in the context of the family and help their children grow in accord with the biblical agenda of “wisdom and stature and favor with God and men.” Finally, functional families emerge when children follow Jesus’ example and contribute obedience to the family fabric while avidly pursuing their mission of learning. After all, the best working definition of functionality is found in Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things God works together for the good of those who love Him.” And there is no better place to realize this than in the school-age family. By James Trotzer