“I am very bitter. How can I deal with my feelings?”

June 2019 – Grace & Truth Magazine

QUESTION: Because of the other person’s behavior, I am very bitter toward someone I love. How can I deal with my feelings of anger, especially since this other person’s behavior doesn’t seem to change?

ANSWER:It is good that you recognize that you are bitter and need to deal with your feelings of anger, that you recognize that it is not God’s will for you as a Christian to harbor such sustained feelings of anger. God’s Word tells us in Ephesians 4:26-27: “‘Be angry, and do not sin’: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil” (NKJV). The first part of this verse is a quotation from Psalm 4:4 in the Old Testament, where we read: “Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still. Selah.”

The last verses of Ephesians 4 give us more exhortations on this difficult subject. Verse 30 tells us, “Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.” Verse 31 goes right on to tell us what are some of the things that grieve Him: “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.” Verse 32 concludes the chapter, although not the subject: “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” The fifth chapter continues the subject with an important conclusion: “Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma” (vv.1-2).

These verses make no promise that we can change another person’s attitude or behavior. God alone can do that. Scripture is God’s voice to me, telling me what He wants me to be or to do. It is obvious from these verses that the bitterness and anger in your heart – regardless of what has caused it – is sin, and the longer you harbor this sin in your heart and mind, the worse it will get.

Can you imagine Jesus acting the way you have been acting? You once came to God as a sinner, asking Him to forgive you, and He then saved you. Can you picture God getting bitter and angry with you when you repeated some of the same sins you had confessed to Him and He had just forgiven you? I am fully aware that we are not Jesus or God, but these verses tell us to be imitators of God as dear children. Perhaps you have children. If not, you will doubtless have watched little children play. Our children sometimes pretend they are Daddy and Mommy or another close relative, and it can be embarrassing to watch them play and see our ways mirrored in their games. How wonderful it would be if we would be imitators of God and of our Lord Jesus Christ instead!

Colossians 3 tells us more about how God wants Christians to live. Christians are to put off anger, wrath and malice among other evil things and put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness and longsuffering. We are to bear with one another and forgive one another as Christ has forgiven us. Above all, we are to put on love.

“Yes,” you say, “good, I understand, but how can I do these things when I remember how this person hurt me?” Do you feel that God is unreasonable in what He requests Christians to do or to stop doing? God will never ask us to do the impossible. True, these things are impossible for an unsaved person, for he is without a new nature or the help of the Holy Spirit. All he has is the natural sinful self – termed the “old nature” or sometimes the “old man ” – which focuses on self and ultimately tries to please self. It is at enmity with God and in rebellion against Him. But “if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new,” God tells us in 2 Corinthians 5:17. We have a new nature now which cannot sin. Indeed, we have been given all things that pertain to life and godliness, that we may be made partakers of the divine nature, according to 2 Peter 1:3-4.

I who write these lines do not know, nor would I justify, the other person’s behavior. But please don’t focus on it, for you are not responsible for what that person has done, and you cannot change the person. God says to forgive the person. Do so in your heart, praying and telling the Lord that you do, confessing your sin in having harbored feelings of anger in your heart, and asking Him for His help not to keep focusing on this in your thoughts. Pray for that person – not for God’s judgment but for God’s blessing.

In the Book of Job, Job’s friends made many accusations against him and against his children, even repeatedly calling him a hypocrite. Job, who God had said was a blameless and upright man who feared God and shunned evil, defended himself against their accusations. He therefore showed himself to be not only righteous but also self-righteous. God hates self-righteousness. When Job saw himself in the light of who God is, he humbled himself most deeply before God. God tested his repentance and confession by directing him to pray for his friends who had so hurt him. How difficult this must have been. But Job prayed for his friends, and then God poured out blessing upon him. Read the Book of Job to learn this wonderful lesson.

Above all, consider the Lord Jesus, who prayed for the very men who were nailing Him to the cross! “Learn from Me,” He tells us in Matthew 11:29. Seek His help in prayer! May you be willing to be relieved of your burden of anger! May He bless you with peace of heart!

Answered by Eugene P. Vedder, Jr.

Resentment that is allowed to grow in the mind turns to bitterness. Bitterness when fostered becomes hatred. They are degrees of the same attitude – an attitude of rejection, antagonism, anger and hostility. Our attack against the hated person may be by physical violence, verbal abuse, hateful thought or even daydream. Whatever the method of attack, every part of the body is stirred up and prepared for action. The pupils of the eyes dilate; hearing becomes acute; muscles tense; the heart beats faster; blood pressure rises; digestion slows and nerves become sensitive. If we have hateful thoughts then we are hateful people; resentment, bitterness and hatred interfere with the normal functioning of our bodies. The old Levitical law forbad hatred: “You shall not hate your brother in your heart” (Lev. 19:17 NKJV). But our Lord Jesus Christ took the positive approach, saying, “But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you” (Mt. 5:44). Hard to do, no doubt, but it is actually harder on the digestive system to hate than to love. It is impossible to love God and to hate our brother at the same time (1 Jn. 4:20). As we open our hearts to the joy of oneness with God, we lose all our resentment, bitterness and hatred of others. That makes for peace of mind.—Adapted from Secret Of Mental Health,available from Grace & Truth.