The Aging Family: Prequel To Eternity / Part 4

Family –May 2012 – Grace & Truth Magazine

The Aging Family:
Prequel To Eternity

God’s Continuing Care – Part 3

“Listen to Me ... you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth. Even to your old age and gray hairs ... I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” — Isaiah 46:3-4 NIV

The Continuum Of Care
God promises that we will not be burdened with tests or trials that are beyond our ability to handle, but in every case will provide the resources needed to bear or overcome the stress (1 Cor. 10:13). This promise certainly gets challenged in the aging family. But God is adamant that He will care for us from conception (birth) to reception (resurrection or rapture). “Listen to me ... you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He ... who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you, and I will rescue you” (Isa. 46:3-4). Notice the three promises that cover the whole of life. God made us in His own image (Gen. 1:26) and will “carry” us when life becomes more than we can bear, “sustain” us regardless of the stresses and strains in our everyday life, and “rescue” us if we get in over our heads. These promises surely pertain to the aging stage of life in a family.

The continuum of stress spans a wide range of family conditions. On one hand the debilitation of an aging person may be such that continual care is needed while on the other hand the aging person is so healthy and agile that it may appear that no assistance is necessary. Consider the contrast between Barzillai (2 Sam. 19:31-38) and Caleb (Josh. 14:6-15) in their old age.

Barzillai was a wealthy benefactor of David who assisted him when he was fleeing from Absalom (2 Sam. 17:27). Later, when David was on his way back to Jerusalem to reclaim his throne, he invited Barzillai to accompany him as an acknowledgment of his service. However, Barzillai’s response provides an insightful view of the toll that aging takes on one’s motivation and energy. He first explained that he was “80 years old” and then expressed a list of maladies related to the aging process: “Can I tell the difference between what is good and what is not?” (mental faculties diminishing); “Can your servant taste what he eats and drinks?” (appetite gone); “Can I still hear the voices of men and women singers?” (hearing failing); “Why should your servant be an added burden to my lord the king?” (strength depleted) (19:35). Here is an old man who was offered an opportunity to return in triumph with the king, but he realized his life was coming to an end. So he revised his goal in life and asked to be allowed to go home and die in his own town near the tomb of his mother and father. He recommended Kinham (likely his son) as a replacement, thus passing on his legacy, and then returned to his home to die (19:37).

Often assistance to the elderly is helping them recognize and cope with their diminishing capacities and adjust their living style to accommodate. I am reminded of the role of hospice caregivers who are charged with the task of caring for dying clients. That task involves discerning when to encourage the clients to continue to hold on to life, when to hold their hand as they walk to death’s door, and how to tell the difference.

Caleb was at the opposite end of the continuum of care. After a long, arduous, successful and blessed life he stood before Joshua and declared: “I was forty years old when Moses the servant of the Lord sent me from Kadesh Barnea to explore the land ... So here I am today, eighty-five years old. I am still as strong today as the day Moses sent me out: I’m just as vigorous to go out to battle now as I was then” (Josh. 14:7-11). He then asked not to be retired, but to be given another mission (14:12). In Caleb’s case, assistance would likely be in the form of helping him secure his inheritance in battle rather than helping him to his final rest.

The contrast between Barzillai and Caleb is quite astounding on the surface but not so divergent at its core. Whether from a position of strength or weakness both were in need of the Lord’s strength and direction, and both were in need of assistance from their family. In Caleb’s case the blessing of long life and strength meant that he had more of the Lord’s work to do. In Barzillai’s case he was given a well-deserved respite and granted his wish to die at home.

One of Paul’s greatest lessons was learned in the cauldron of contrast and certainly applies to the divergent experiences of the aging process. He said, “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through Him who gives me strength” (Phil. 4:11-13). The Lord’s strength – “made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor. 12:9) – is available and applicable along the entire continuum of care in the aging Christian family.

Living Life To The Fullest
One of the major issues of aging relates to the declining sense of usefulness that elderly persons experience. As aging erodes their capacities, and life changes move the aging partners from a central role in life’s activities, their sense of value and importance are lost. Yet the resources of the elderly are like fine gold that is just waiting to be discovered and put to use in the family, in the church and in the community. The essence of this resource is identified by Job when he stated “Is not wisdom found among the aged? Does not long life bring understanding?” (Job 12:12). The key to living fully during the aging process is figuring out not only how to cope and care for themselves, but also how to contribute to the lives of those around them.

King David: Old, Infirm Yet Involved
The life of David was fraught with lessons for every time and phase of life including aging. From his teenage years through adulthood, he followed a life path that personified the best and worst of humanity in a spiritual sense. From his emergence as a teenager when he became a savior of Israel by slaying Goliath, to his arduous route to becoming the King of Israel, to his exploits and failures as King, spanning great victories in battle and great acts of faith, to the utter degradations of adultery and murder; from the elation of success to the agony of failure, he epitomized our humanity on one hand and represented a Christ-like figure on the other. In summarizing his life, Paul credited him with serving “God’s purpose in his own generation” (Acts 13:36) – a suitable epitaph to a life of faith. Let’s consider David’s life in his aging years as an example of a healthy and realistic perspective for the aging stage of the family life cycle.

“When King David was old and well advanced in years, he could not keep warm” (1 Ki. 1:2). Apparently, the aging monarch developed circulation problems that are akin to old age, resulting in chills. His aides used a unique form of “assisted living” to help David cope with this problem. They brought in Abishag as history’s first recorded elder caregiver. For lack of a contemporary electric blanket they instituted a human cloak to keep him warm. Interestingly, the Holy Spirit included details of this intervention that imply a further characteristic of aging – the emergence of impotence. In spite of the fact that Abishag was described as “very beautiful,” Scripture records that “the king had no intimate relations with her” (1 Ki. 1:4). Now given that throughout his life David was a physically active and attractive man, this is not an insignificant detail. As a teenager he was described as “ruddy with a fine appearance and handsome features” (1 Sam. 16:12). Consequently, this situation likely represented a stressor for David not unlike issues of sexuality that relate to the elderly. David, however, did not obsess on this predicament, but rather attended to other matters (priorities) as a way of demonstrating productivity.

Late in David’s reign as king he experienced a significant setback that deeply disappointed him and could have derailed his stellar career. This failure to accomplish a desired goal or objective was related to building a suitable dwelling place for “the Most High” – a temple. Let’s hear about this setback in David’s own words: “Listen to me, my brothers and my people. I had it in my heart to build a house as a place of rest for the ark of the covenant of the Lord, for the footstool of our God, and I made plans to build it. But God said to me, ‘You are not to build a house for My name, because you are a warrior and have shed blood” (1 Chr. 28: 2-3). So the very thing that he had his heart set to do was denied him. What could he do? What did he do?

David had every right to be disappointed and may even have considered willfully disregarding the imposition of God’s restraint. He could have sulked and withdrawn from any further activity relative to the project. He could have taken his “golden parachute” as ex-king and gone off to enjoy the last years of his life in luxury. He could have spitefully kept his plans to himself and even obstructed progress by withholding resources. But instead he decided to contribute constructively and stayed involved. As such he portrayed a vital example for the contributions of the elderly to the next generation. We find that David gave the plans he had constructed to his son Solomon as a means of encouraging him to move ahead. He organized a campaign to acquire financial resources and materials to build the temple (1 Chr. 29), and became Solomon’s chief supporter, mentor and motivator, encouraging him with these words: “Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged for the Lord God, my God is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the Lord is finished” (1 Chr. 28:20).

So David, although old and infirm, was still involved. He supplied his wisdom and understanding accrued in the process of aging. He supported the next generation with motivational inspiration in words and actions. He provided resources for the continuity of the Lord’s work and smoothly transferred responsibility and authority to the next generation. All these actions have their contemporary implications in the lives of aging partners and parents. And when this life ends for them the continuity of life proceeds unimpeded, making the transition smooth and the grieving process bearable and positive because their legacy is embodied in the memories each family member carries into the future. Listen to the concluding salutation of David’s life: “David son of Jesse was king over all Israel. He ruled over Israel forty years – seven in Hebron and thirty-three in Jerusalem. He died at a good old age, having enjoyed long life, wealth and honor. His son Solomon succeeded him as king” (1 Chr. 29:26-29). Thus we have the conclusion of the family life cycle for David’s generation and the end of our consideration of the aging stage of the family life cycle.

The Aging Family: A Summary
The aging stage extends from the retirement of both spouses to the death of both spouses. The primary tasks of the aging stage are for the couple to develop the capacity for mutuality which enables them to help each other adjust to, cope with and adapt to changes in themselves and their world that are common to the aging process. From a Christian perspective their task is to nurture and pass on a godly legacy to the next generation of the family while the extended family becomes the support system for them as their capacities diminish. Deaths, losses and impairments all may play a significant role in the life of the aging family. But the aging stage is also a time of great blessing and fulfillment as aging partners care for each other, become immersed in grandparenting and do what they can to mentor and support the work of the next generation. It is also a time of great anticipation as they seek to serve the Lord and worship Him as a preparation for and a prequel to their home-call to be with Christ. “And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words” (1 Th. 4:17-18).

By James Trotzer

This concludes the 4-part Family article on The Aging Family.

BARZILLAI – He Did What He Could “Why does the Bible record this brief incident from the life of one obscure old man? (Barzillai's story on pp.23-24 above) It isn’t just to remind us of the ravages of old age or even the brevity of life. Instead the Bible recounts it to tell us a significant fact: Barzillai’s greatest service to God and His people – the one deed from his entire life that was worth of being recorded in the Bible – took place when he was an old man. ... The point is this; as an old man Barzillai couldn’t do everything he once did – but he did what he could, and God used his efforts. The same can be true of us as we grow older.”
from Nearing Home; Life, Faith and Finishing Well,
by Billy Graham (Thomas Nelson, publisher, © 2011)