Single Through Circumstances, Not Choice

Family – May 2019 – Grace & Truth Magazine

Single Through Circumstances – Not Choice
(Editor’s note: Certain points in this article may be viewed as inappropriate for young children.)

Some people do not marry early in life. They have perhaps to wait quite a long time before they are married or to realize that God’s will for them does not include marriage. This article does not deal with the special case of a believer who has chosen not to marry for the Lord’s sake and who has the gift needed to live this way. Instead, we are talking about Christians who are unmarried – so far – not because they have chosen this but because of the circumstances of their lives up to now. This may apply to brothers and sisters alike, but it is something that perhaps is a little more concerning to sisters. We would like to deal with some questions and problems connected with this situation in life.

Satan’s Lies About Being Unmarried
When I am in a situation I may consider – at least from time to time – as difficult, I am particularly vulnerable to the lies the enemy whispers into my ears. Here are some he may use:

Lie 1: You are unmarried, because you ...
You can complete the sentence for yourself; there are a variety of options. You may say that you are not married because you are not pretty enough, not smart enough, not spiritual enough, too spiritual (carnal and worldly-minded young men and women all have a partner, it seems), too introverted, too extroverted or a vast number of other perceptions. No, in the vast majority of cases the fact that someone is not married has nothing to do with his or her personality. That would give room for the illusion that if I change this or that I will be married very soon.

The fact that someone is married, unmarried or widowed is in the first place connected with God’s sovereignty and the way He leads a person through life. “As thou knowest not what is the way of the spirit, how the bones grow in the womb of her that is with child, even so thou knowest not the work of God who maketh all” (Eccl. 11:5 JND).

Lie 2: If you are (still) unmarried, it is because God does not love you.
Of course you know this is not true. “God is love” (1 Jn. 4:8). He gave His Son for you on the cross. Yes, you know that God loves you but do you really believe it? This world is characterized by the consequences of sin: sickness, tragedy, poverty and death. There would be a lot of reasons to doubt the love of God if we only looked at the circumstances in which we find ourselves. God’s love was, and is, revealed at Calvary. There He gave His only Son unto suffering and death to save us and to have a relationship with us, His children. There is no greater proof of God’s love than the cross of Calvary. Even a marriage partner would not be a greater proof of His love to me. The enemy wants to use our desires, needs and sorrows to cause us to doubt God’s love. As such they are the fiery darts of the wicked. Let us take the “shield of faith” that is able to extinguish these darts (Eph. 6:16).

Lie 3: If you are not married, you have no real value.
The enemy may tell you, “If no one has taken an interest in you yet as a marriage partner you cannot be worth very much. You have nothing to offer.” Maybe other believers have suggested, clearly or implied, that only married Christians have importance in the assembly.

Behind this lies the old error that my value depends on what others think of me. I could mention without hesitation a number of unmarried brothers and sisters whose faith and service is of great value for the saints. While it is certainly good to mention our appreciation of this to those Christians, this is again on the level of how I value other believers. We do not become valuable by what we do – even if it is to marry. Instead, we are valuable because God has created us and we are precious in His eyes (see Ps. 139:13-16).

Lie 4: It is better to marry an unbeliever than stay unmarried for the rest of your life.
The situation of being without a partner can be painful, and the experience of loneliness can become overwhelming. At such times marriage to an unbeliever can seem like a solution, but that is not the case! Scripture condemns this unequal yoke as sin (2 Cor. 6:14-18). Do you really think such a relationship will satisfy your deepest longings? Even if your partner is exemplary on the human level and lets you follow your faith, it will very likely be the case that you will worship alone and read your Bible alone. You will not be able to talk with your partner about the most important things in life. Think, too, of the coming of the Lord, the rapture – you will go to heaven alone! Your partner will be on his or her way to another destination – an unbearable thought. Yes, God in His grace can save your husband or wife, but there is no promise this will be so when you are disobedient.

The Unmarried Christian And Passions For Physical Intimacy
We are dealing here with a problem that only exists for an unmarried believer in this form: a life of sexual purity and abstinence. Of course, all Christians are called to a life of purity, but for the married Christian this means being faithful to his or her marriage partner and to have sexual relations only with her or him, whereas for someone who is unmarried it means a life of abstinence. In our society this can be a hard thing for a teenage Christian, but it may not be any easier for a 30-year old unmarried Christian either.

In today’s society self-denial is seen as a negative idea. The view most people around us take today is that you have a right to live out all your wishes and desires, but the life of a Christian is often connected with sacrifice. In a Christian marriage each partner makes sacrifices out of love; living out your desires in an egoistic way is unthinkable in this context. Therefore the unmarried believer should be willing to deny himself or herself in order to live a life of sexual abstinence for the Lord’s sake and His honor.

Sexual desire may become very strong, so the requirement to live in this way may be considered a hard task. In such a case it is helpful if the young Christian talks confidentially to a mature Christian of the same gender or to a couple to find the help, support and prayer he or she needs. Beware of any alternative solution, such as sexual self-gratification and explicit videos, movies and other materials! These will only make you unhappy and increase your burdens, and they will bring you into spiritual free fall. “For the rest, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are noble, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are amiable, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue and if any praise, think on these things” (Phil. 4:8).

Another thought that sometimes comes to an unmarried person’s mind is: If it is God’s will for me not to marry, why does He not take the desire for a marriage partner out of my heart? For creatures to ask why God does something or does not do something is problematic and inclined toward doubt. Very often we will not get an answer to such a question (see Rom. 9:20-21).

The desire to marry is normal and good – even when God does not or has not yet granted this desire. Paul says in Philippians 4:11-13: “Not that I speak as regards privation, for as to me I have learnt in those circumstances in which I am, to be satisfied in myself. I know both how to be abased and I know how to abound. In everything and in all things I am initiated both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer privation. I have strength for all things in Him that gives me power.” He also had to learn lessons that are not easy for us naturally. A lot of things in the life of faith are part of a learning process. Perhaps you find it difficult to be satisfied with your situation of singleness because your desire for a marriage partner is still strong. The Lord can help you to live a meaningful, blessed life with the opportunities He gives you to serve Him as a single Christian.

Mourning And Bitterness – And How To Deal With Them
In a certain way the condition of singleness, which may be for life, can be a form of suffering and loss. Therefore it is natural and not a sign of being unspiritual to feel this and mourn about it. Jephthah’s daughter said to her father, “Let this thing be done for me: leave me alone two months, that I may go and descend to the mountains, and bewail my virginity, I and my companions” (Jud. 11:37). She wanted time to mourn her situation, and then she would surrender to God’s ways. There is a time for everything, including mourning (Eccl. 3:4). Whether this is two months, as with Jephthah’s daughter, or longer depends on the individual case, but sooner or later the time must come when we surrender to God’s ways. We have to be “watching lest there be anyone who lacks the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and many be defiled by it” (Heb. 12:15). This often leads to accusations against God. Not only does this dishonor God, it also harms our life of faith.

“My times are in Thy hand” (Ps. 31:15). The Lord Jesus not only holds the future but the present too – your years of singleness included. A life with and for the Savior brings blessing, fulfillment and deep joy to the lives of all Christians – unmarried as well as married.

By Michael Vogelsang, adapted from Biblecentre.org.