A Hope Deferred

Feature 1 – May 2021 – Grace & Truth Magazine

A Hope Deferred

“A great Hope fell;
You heard no noise.
The Ruin was within.” 1

Those lines from poet Emily Dickinson aptly describe the sorrow of unfulfilled hope. Her words agree with the Bible verse which declares, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick” (Prov. 13:12 NKJV). These expressions certainly apply to the difficult experiences of women who desire to have children but, for some reason, are still waiting. Some have now reached their older years and realized they will never become mothers. This is an intensely personal matter which has caused distress for many women (and men too), believers or not, from Bible times until now.

In writing this article I am thankful for comments from several Christian women who have gone through this time of waiting with their husbands. Some eventually had their own children; one chose to adopt; and one is still waiting. Their experiences, guided by the pages of the Bible, will help us all, men and women alike, to consider this subject with understanding and compassion.

The Promise Of Families
It was clear from the beginning of creation that God always intended people to live in families. Even when Adam and Eve were the only people on earth, there was a plan for fathers and mothers to guide children into mature adulthood (Gen. 1:28). God wanted Adam and Eve to be fruitful parents – a theme repeated later for Noah’s family after the judgment of the flood (9:1). In fact, after death entered the world through Adam and Eve’s sin, God said He would multiply not only the pain of childbirth but also the frequency of conception (3:16, though not all translations reflect that precise expression). This was really an act of God’s mercy, for it would address the new reality of death by making it easier for a woman to become pregnant and bear the next generation of children.

In addition, God said the Devil would be defeated by a Deliverer born from a woman. In other words, every birth was and still is like a small expression of victory, a woman’s opportunity to participate in declaring the promised arrival of God’s Overcomer.

Alongside that promise, God told the people of Israel that their faithfulness would result in such blessing that “no one shall suffer miscarriage or be barren in your land” (Ex. 23:26). This was confirmed in Deuteronomy 7: “Because you listen to these judgments ... there shall not be a male or female barren among you” (vv.12,14). The Psalms further celebrated families: “Children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward ... Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them ... Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine” (Ps. 127:3,5, 128:3).

The Pain Of The Childless
Given such blessings and promises, what might a godly wife think if she had no children? Had God in the garden of Eden increased the likelihood of conception for women – but not for her? Was God judging her for some unknown sin? Was there to be no heritage from the Lord for her? Would her husband become dissatisfied with her because she had not borne even one child for his quiver?

One Christian woman described her childless years as a layered sense of loneliness – a “biological, spiritual, physical trifecta of desire.” Another said it was like an “emotional rollercoaster” that fluctuated between acceptance and struggle – made especially difficult, she added, because of the strong, God-given desire she had to nurture children. The sense of emptiness deepened during occasions like Mother’s Day, baby showers and other family events when she and her husband were merely spectators and not always included.

In those comments we can also hear the anguish expressed by some childless women in the Bible. In the days of the patriarchs, when Rachel’s sister Leah seemed to bear children easily, Rachel envied her and demanded of her husband, “Give me children, or else I die!” (Gen. 30:1). Like Sarah before her, she preferred that her husband would father a child through one of the servants rather than remain in a childless home. Later, in the days of the judges, Hannah was intentionally provoked by her husband’s second wife, Peninnah, a cruelly inconsiderate woman who viewed love and child-bearing as a contest between rivals.2 Hannah wept openly due to her misery, grief of heart, and bitterness of soul, which were no doubt compounded by her husband’s clumsy attempts to console her (1 Sam. 1:1-10).

Then, in the opening days of the New Testament era, when aged Elizabeth finally became pregnant, she said the Lord had finally acted to “take away my reproach among people” (Lk. 1:25). Although she and her husband were both righteous, walking blamelessly in the fear of the Lord (v.6), we can only imagine what her neighbors might have assumed about some hidden spiritual failure which had caused her to be childless for decades. In fact, that kind of social disapproval toward childless women had long been the habit of the wicked (Job 24:21).

One must tread very gently when speaking about this sort of pain. It is far too easy to say something that is at best unhelpful or, at worst, unkind or simply wrong. If we are not sure what to say to a sister in the Lord who sorrows because she is childless, it’s much better to say nothing than to say the wrong thing! Sharing her sorrow, bearing her burdens with her, weeping with the woman who weeps – these are always appropriate responses. The God who comforts the downcast often does so by simply sending a friend to be with us (2 Cor. 7:6). Perhaps you or I should be that friend.

Yet comfort and help often come through words as well (1 Th. 4:18). The Scriptures guide us in all matters of life and godliness, so we can expect guidance in this area also.

The Presence Of God
We can always begin with the certainty that God is present. He is close to the brokenhearted; He draws near to those who call upon Him in truth; He gives help in the time of need (Ps. 34:18, 145:18; Heb. 4:16). He knows that women feel a unique type of emotion when it comes to the matter of children. God knew that a sword would pierce the soul of Mary the mother of Jesus as she viewed His sufferings (Lk. 2:35), and God knows the pains that may pierce the hearts of the childless as well.

We can also declare God’s sovereign power in the miracle of birth and life. From the moment of conception and even before, God is intimately involved with the development of every child (Ps. 71:6, 139:13; Jer. 1:5). The Scriptures record that it is He who opened the womb and “gave ... conception” in order for pregnancy to occur (Ruth 4:13; see Gen. 29:31, 30:22). In a unique and beautiful Hebrew metaphor, He “visited” Sarah and Hannah so they would conceive (21:1; 1 Sam. 2:21).

Yet at other times God closed up the womb. Sometimes a lack of pregnancy or a miscarried baby was an act of judgment (Job 15:34; Hos. 9:11-14), but in a number of other cases it had nothing to do with the woman’s personal integrity (Gen. 16:2, 20:18; 1 Sam. 1:5). Therefore, affirming that God is sovereign, what else can be said to encourage and guide a woman who desires children?

The Problem Of Assumptions
We must add that the world is a fallen place, and sometimes human bodies simply don’t function according to typical norms. Although God is certainly powerful enough to enable conception and birth, we must be careful with our assumptions if He does not do so in specific cases. It is not our place to tell a childless woman that the Lord has shut up her womb any more than we should tell a diabetic woman that the Lord has shut up her pancreas.

This leads to an important statement: It is never our place to ask anyone, “So, when are you finally going to have children?” or to say, “Your baby is getting so big ... time to have another one!” A woman who had one child recalled many people asking when the second child would be coming along. What the questioners didn’t know was that the couple had already experienced two miscarriages. Our casual but careless remarks could be touching someone’s greatest grief. Childbirth is God’s business. We should mind our own.

Some ask whether a married couple who desires children should seek medical assistance. This is between the couple and the Lord, but it is not essentially wrong to view this in the same category as other medical concerns. Christian doctors in any branch of medicine will agree that their interventions always depend on God’s ability to grant health or healing. In the area of childbirth, a medical evaluation can identify and address specific obstacles to conception (which, medically speaking, are about equally divided between wives and husbands3). Again, this is a matter best left to the consciences of the couple as they seek the Lord for wisdom.4

The Practice Of Faith
One Christian woman said trying to have a child was like running a marathon in which it was not clear if the finish line was just around the corner or if the race itself had no real end. “Faith can feel heavy when you know you may be asked to carry it for the rest of your life,” she added. Yet she also remembered that “[God’s] presence was felt in a very unique way during that season of waiting.”

This is instructive for all of us. The apostle John wished that the physical health of his friend Gaius would be as strong as his spiritual health (3 Jn. 1-2). In other words, a malfunction with our bodies does not have to overthrow the health of our souls. There is something intensely personal about the desire to become a mother, but others desire to leave their wheelchairs behind or to be rid of their heart disease or some other chronic condition. In any long-term difficulty, we can determine to maintain our spiritual stability by rolling our cares onto the shoulders of the God who cares for us.

Some women may feel as if God is testing them while they search for some spiritually effective combination of faith, obedience and the right sort of words expressed in prayer. It is true that God often waits until our hearts are fully dependent on Him, and then He acts. But it is also true that God sometimes uses our circumstances to keep us fully dependent on Him. When God sent Paul a “thorn in the flesh” – some unknown condition that caused both physical and spiritual distress – it was not due to a specific sin in Paul’s life. Rather, God was minimizing Paul’s potential to sin through pride (2 Cor. 12:7). This does not mean that God withholds children in order to prevent a woman from sinning. But it always will strengthen any believer if, instead of focusing on circumstances we focus on our relationship with the Lord and our trust in Him.

Then, as our confidence in the Lord grows, we can endure periods of waiting. The example of Abraham and Sarah is helpful here. After God’s promise to give them a family, they both expressed impatience and doubt in various ways over the years. Finally, though, when Sarah was 90, Abraham was 100, and their only remaining resource was God’s promise, Isaac was born. Their waiting lasted decades but became an example of faith for centuries (Rom. 4:19, 9:9; Heb. 11:11).

Hannah’s story provides similar encouragement as she praised the Lord for His goodness in giving her a son. Generations later, it seems the composer of Psalm 113 was heartened by her faith, essentially quoting her words and adding that God “grants the barren woman a home” (v.9; see vv.7-9; 1 Sam. 2:8). See how beautifully God’s timing and Hannah’s faith are amplified across the years!

Perhaps we might feel honored if God would say He planned to use us as an object lesson. But what if we discovered that this would require long years of endurance with a repeated cycle of hope and disappointment? God often works this way. Mary and Martha endured the death of their brother, yet God was uniquely glorified through it (Jn. 11:4,40). Anna was married for only seven years, but it was in her widowhood of probably 60 years or more that her faithful service shone (Lk. 2:36-37).

One woman touched on this point in similar terms. She and her husband joyfully expected a baby after years of waiting – but their joy was replaced by the excruciating physical and emotional pain of a miscarriage. There has not yet been another pregnancy for her, and she sometimes asks God why He even let her get pregnant if the baby would not be born. Yet she also wrote, “I think of the good things that came out of it ... I went through a trial, and it helped me hold on to my faith a bit harder.” Further, many other women have since talked with her about their own sorrows. She is able to declare that the Lord is “the rock that I hold onto, and He is my hope.”

The others interviewed for this article all agreed that their faith in God deepened during their sorrow. One woman said, “It caused my husband and me to grow in our faith and draw close to Him. It has also allowed us to help others who struggle with similar situations” (consider 2 Cor. 1:3-5).

Therefore, alongside God’s sovereign power, we can also trust His loving heart. He always has a plan. The prophet Isaiah once called attention to his own family, and later the Holy Spirit turned those words into a prophetic message about the Lord Jesus, who called His redeemed people “the children whom the Lord has given Me” (Isa. 8:18; see Heb. 2:13). From a human standpoint, of course, the Lord never married or had children. In fact, prophetically we read of His sorrow as He was cut off in the midst of His years (Ps. 102:24). Yet now, after His time of grief, His spiritual offspring are many!

In the same way, a hope deferred does not have to define who we are. God is able to accomplish something great through us, even though His path for us might diverge from what we expected. We can always be certain, even in our disappointments, that we are of great value to Him, and He has already prepared the good works which He intends for us to do (Eph. 2:10).

ENDNOTES
1. Lines 1-3 of the poem “A Great Hope Fell,” by Emily Dickinson (1830–1886).
2. There is a similar example, years earlier, when the servant girl Hagar conceived, then despised Sarah, who was barren (Gen. 16:4). Since the same attitude is found in two very different women, living in very different time periods, we can conclude that all women should be careful not to imitate the same sin. One who becomes pregnant more easily must not consider herself superior to one whose experience is different. The fact that both scriptural examples occur within a household context provides its own warning not to make this subject a matter of family tension.
3. Source: “Infertility” (2019, July 25). Retrieved May 24, 2020, from https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/infertility/symptoms-causes/syc-20354317
4. It should be noted that some medical interventions involve fertilizing many eggs, then selecting only one for survival and birth. This approach should not be the choice of a Christian couple since it essentially involves aborting the other embryos, which we believe are already living human beings in the sight of God. However, some other medical approaches can appropriately support a couple who desires to conceive.

By Stephen Campbell

The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. —Psalm 34:18-19

Praise the LORD! For it is good to sing praises to our God; for it is pleasant, and praise is beautiful. The Lord ... heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He counts the number of the stars; He calls them all by name. Great is our Lord, and mighty in power; His understanding is infinite. —Psalm 147:1,3-5

[Jesus] was handed the book of the prophet Isaiah. And when He had opened the book, He found the place where it was written: “The Spirit of the LORD is upon Me, because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed; to proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD.” Then He closed the book ... And He began to say to them, “Today this Scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.” —Luke 4:17-21