“In the light of Scripture, when is a couple said to be married?”

May 2024 – Grace & Truth Magazine

QUESTION: In the light of Scripture, when can a couple be said to be married? Is it when the bride price has been paid, or when they have taken their vows, or when they have gone home after the wedding and have slept with one another?

ANSWER: In Scripture we find that a marriage is an exclusive union between a man and a woman, a union that is sacred before God. God has designed marriage to be a picture of the intimate relationship between His beloved Son, our Lord Jesus Christ and the Church – better known as the Assembly. Customs and circumstances may vary, but underneath all that is associated with marriage, certain essentials are common to all marriages.

The first marriage that Scripture presents to us was uniquely special. First of all, it was God’s initiative; He, the Creator, stated it was not good that man should be alone, thus He would make him a helper, a counterpart exactly suited to his need. He caused Adam to fall into deep sleep and took one of his ribs, and of this rib He built a woman whom He brought to Adam, to Adam’s joy (Gen. 2:18-23).

The spiritual application is that God’s Son, our Lord Jesus, when here on earth as a true Man, went into death; and the Bride that God has brought forth for His Son’s joy, the Assembly, being composed of people, is thus both His Body and His Bride.

In a practical way we can learn from this. God did not make many women for Adam to choose the one he liked best. God brought the one He had made for Adam to him. The situation was unique. Adam immediately knew beyond any question that this was the woman God had made for him. His statement in verse 23 is clear proof of this. Be sure, dear friend, that the woman you purpose to marry is the one God has prepared for you. Sad to say, people today have many different reasons for choosing the partner they want to marry. Some are said to “fall in love,” and some of them later apparently fall out of love. Some choose a wife for her beauty, some for her abilities, some for her personality, some for her apparent sexuality, some for her spirituality, some for her wealth, some for her family connections; many other reasons can be given. But is she God’s clear answer to your prayers, thus God’s, your Creator and hers, choice for you? That would be best of all.

As to when a man and a woman become husband and wife before God – this is a bit more complicated. Initially, God brought Adam the wife He had made for him. In Genesis 4:1 (NKJV) we read that “Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore” a son; and in Genesis 5:4 that more sons and daughters followed. We never read that Adam had any wife besides the one God had brought to him. To have more than one wife is a departure from God’s plan for mankind, which we call “polygamy.” It was introduced by a descendant of Cain, the first murderer, the man “who went out from the presence of the LORD” (4:16).

Marriage in Scripture was always something openly known, and it was to be respected by all. In describing marriage, God said, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (2:24). It was a matter of love; the second time the word “love” is found in the Bible is in Genesis 24:67 at the marriage of Isaac and Rebekah. Now the time of waiting was past. The man took his place – left father and mother – and was now joined to his wife. She, of course, left her parents’ authority and was now united to her husband. A new unit was thereby formed before God and man. A marriage was a joyful occasion that was often celebrated by a feast.

The sexual relationship between a husband and wife is indicated in Scripture by the expression that the man “knew” his wife (for example, Gen. 4:1). The two individuals thus joining their bodies together in love is the most intimate kind of knowledge, and their sleeping together, whether before or after this physical expression of loving oneness, is an indication that each completely trusts and feels safe with the other.

In God’s eyes, to enter into sexual union or liberty one with another without this full, loving commitment of marriage is termed “fornication.” This term is a broad, general one for illicit sexual activity. There are more terms for specific sexual sins. God calls having sexual relations when one or both individuals are married to someone else “adultery.” Forcing oneself on a person sexually is “rape.” “Incest” is the term for sexual relationships among close family members such as brothers with their sisters, or parents with their children. To have sexual relations with others for a payment or reward is “prostitution.” God established penalties for such sins and others in the law that He gave His earthly people, Israel. In Matthew 5 the Lord Jesus pointed out that, before God, looking at a woman to lust for her is committing adultery with her in one’s heart. Our holy God wants His own to be pure in thought, word and deed, and not to yield to lustful, unclean desires or passions.

Early in Scripture, in fact, after the flood, by instituting capital punishment God established human government (Gen. 9). Government exists to see that things are done decently and in order. The New Testament plainly states in Romans 13 and 1 Peter 2 that the believer is to be subject to the government because God has ordained government for man’s good. Since human beings are sinful, and governments are composed of human beings, it is evident that governments are not perfect and that they can err in what they do or demand. The believer, however, is nowhere told he should judge the government or its orders. He or she is simply told to obey. Nowhere does God ever command disobedience as such, but where a government demands what God forbids, we must obey God rather than man – and we must be ready to suffer the consequences for choosing to obey our Creator rather than one of His creations which is defying His supreme authority. The accounts in Daniel 3 and 6 and in Acts 5 are good examples for us to follow.

Not every government makes regulations about marriage, but those that do so should be obeyed. Most require that marriages be registered with a specific office of the government to be legal. Some require a license for the marriage even to be solemnized and state who can legally solemnize a marriage. Some may even require a certain wording in the wedding vows. We are to obey.

Besides this, many customs have developed around marriages. Wedding vows in themselves are quite customary, although God says nothing about them, pro or con. But, He does demand that vows made before Him be kept (Eccl. 5:4-6). The bride price is a custom in many cultures, especially in Africa: a price the man has to pay the family of the woman he wishes to marry. After all, he will be acquiring their treasure who will now be his to help and be with him in many wonderful ways! In other cultures, as in India, the opposite custom exists. The family of the bride pays the groom for relieving them of their responsibility to support their daughter. There are customs as to giving gifts or paying for the feast or refreshments, as the case might be.

Scripture leaves legal requirements to the existing governments and, generally speaking, accepts whatever is customary in the local society that is not contrary to the Word of God. It makes plain, however, in 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 that a believer should not be unequally married to an unbeliever. In John 2 the Lord Jesus graced a wedding with His presence and provided the bridegroom a large amount of better wine than his family had been serving at the beginning of the feast.

In conclusion, let’s keep in mind that a Christian’s likes or dislikes, and indeed, his feelings and desires should never be more important to him than the teaching of God’s Word. When Christians plan weddings and, even more importantly, when they consider marrying, they should remember 1 Corinthians 10:31, which says, “Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.”

Answered by Eugene P. Vedder, Jr.

It is a fact of the highest significance that the marriage relationship was established between Adam and Eve while they were still in a state of innocence. At the time of their union, sin had not entered the world. But the entrance of sin through their disobedience did not set aside the holy character of marriage, which its divine origin and sanction had originally imparted to it. Wedlock was God’s purpose for man from the very start of his history.

It is true that, having been united in wedded bonds, Adam and Eve jointly disobeyed the commandment of the Lord and fell into and under sin. Nevertheless, the holy and divinely sanctioned character of marriage, which was received in the state of sinlessness, remained after the entrance of sin. God had made the single pair, and He made them the one for the other exclusively. As our Lord said, God had joined them together by bonds that are indissoluble by man (Mt. 19:4-6). This character of permanence attaches to marriage still, as it ever has done. In every union under divine superintendence, God binds together the two hearts and lives by a tie that none can sever. —W. J. Hocking (adapted from “Christian Marriage”)