Lives Interrupted By Divorce / Part 1

Series – November 2010 – Grace & Truth Magazine

While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors (publicans) and sinners came and ate with Him and His disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked His disciples: “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors (publicans) and sinners?” On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.” – Matthew 9:10-11; Luke 5:31-32 NIV

Lives Interrupted By Divorce
A CHRISTIAN PERSPECTIVE - Part 1

Divorced Christians who hold Christian beliefs and values often face a kind of double jeopardy, being seen as less worthy in the church and dysfunctional and damaged in their own minds. The intent of this Series is to offer a point of view that acknowledges divorce as a stressful situation for individuals, and to identify both single parent and remarried families as viable alternative structures from a Christian perspective. These articles will present a biblical rationale that recognizes the issues that post-divorce individuals, couples and families face.

A Warning
Whenever I am asked to speak to Christians about the post-divorce family, I warn them in advance of two basic assumptions I make about my audience. First, I assume that the audience is composed of three distinct groups of people: non-divorced persons who haven’t been and aren’t likely to be divorced; pre-divorced persons who aren’t divorced but may eventually be; divorced persons who are currently living in some form of a post-divorce lifestyle. Second, I assume that all three groups will likely be offended by some part of what they are about to hear. I offer the same warning to my readers.

The Facts of Family Life
Statistics in the United States indicate that the nature of family households are roughly divided into three categories: nuclear families consisting of two parents with their biological and/or adopted children; single-parent families headed primarily by women; remarried families consisting of two parents and children from previous marriages or relationships, as well as their own. While variations of these categories certainly exist there is a predominance of households that are not of the traditional variety (parents and their biological children). In addition, there is a growing trend for co-habitation to precede first marriages and to follow divorce. And in many cases children of one or the other co-habitant are involved creating family units of non-married adults with children from previous relationships or the current relationship.

Churches cannot escape the realities of these family units. Examinations of congregations, reports from pastors and Christian counselors – and an everincreasing number of contacts with Christians who talk about their family experiences – affirm the reality that many marriages involving Christians end in divorce. And in a high percentage of cases these marriages have produced children who are now living in single-parent households. In addition, it is estimated that 75- 80% of divorced people remarry, and when this occurs where one or both spouses have children, a remarried family is created.

Most often, this also means the children have membership in two or more households, and have to adjust to “multiple parents” consisting of three or more adults (biological and step-parents) who are functioning in some form of parent role in the child’s life. Since these trends are evident in churches, the intention of these four articles is to present a realistic view of the family interrupted by divorce from a biblical and a developmental perspective. The objective is to acknowledge the realities in post-divorce families and to address such family units not as publicans and sinners, but as precious in God’s sight.

God And the Post-Divorce Family
Christians and churches often get impaled on the issue of right and wrong and the dynamics of guilt and punishment when it comes to the topic of divorce and its impact on the family. In spite of one’s faith and theological persuasion, divorce happens. It is a fact of life in the church and in its member families. Therefore, as a family counselor for many years my view of the post-divorce family emphasizes consequences and resources rather than punishment, judgment and abandonment. God’s Word points out the best way to function as individuals, couples and families, and warns us about the consequences of deviating from His best way.

We are created in God’s image (Gen. 1:26-27) which indicates there is always hope for every married couple, because in God there are no incompatible parts. The Bible also provides the ideal pattern to emulate in order for a marriage to be functional and satisfying (Gen. 2:24), and elaborates on that pattern in a practical manner (Eccl. 4:9-12). In addition, Christ affirmed God as a covenant partner in marriage when He stated, “What God has joined together let no man separate” (Mk. 10:9). However, once human beings make their own choices – like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden (Gen. 3:6) – and deviate from God’s best way, He lets the consequences of those choices run their course while He responds with compassion and resources. I firmly believe that God does not add punishment to consequences when it comes to family life, as the consequences are enough. Let’s examine some of them.

When divorce occurs, the process of recovery from the grief, turmoil and loss is estimated to be at least two years. And it is a process complicated by the fact that individuals work through their grief at different rates. For example, children of divorce may not actually start to grieve the loss of their parent’s togetherness until one or both of their parents begin a new relationship or remarry. Research and clinical experience indicate that the most favorable timeframe for remarriage is 2-5 years after the divorce is finalized so that the divorced person can complete the grieving process, break from the previous marriage and have a period of autonomy before entering another marriage.

Once remarried, research and clinical experience estimate that if the remarriage involves children, it takes about five years for the remarried family to become functional and feel comfortable. If you add up all these years, it takes 9-12 years of a person’s life to recover from divorce and establish a new marital and family relationship, and that’s not counting the pain and turmoil leading up to the divorce. For those who do not give themselves time to work through all these issues – but decide instead to piggy-back the grieving, the finding of a new partner and reconstituting a family – the stress and tension are compounded to such an extent that they are susceptible to repeating the same destructive patterns.

So as I said, God does not have to add punishment to the lives of post-divorce persons and families to get their attention. The consequences are punishment enough. In fact, in most cases, it is while in the depths of despair and pain that post-divorce family members turn to God for help and direction as their only and last resource.

By James P. Trotzer

Look for Part 2 next month.