Disagreements Between Individual Believers

Feature 1 – November 2020 — Grace & Truth Magazine

Disagreements Between Individual Believers

The Word of God teaches us that we cannot walk together unless we agree (Amos 3:3). What does it mean “to agree” and what does it mean “to disagree”? The word “agree” in the above verse means to “fix upon” something, and it is often translated elsewhere as “to betroth” (to get engaged), “to gather” or “meet together.” It simply means that we decide together about a certain thing. When you add “dis” to “agree,” it means the opposite: to not decide together about a certain thing. The word “disagreement” does not appear in the Bible, but the principle is there.

This article discusses how to manage disagreements when they occur between individual believers. While some of the principles are similar when dealing with unbelievers, we will focus on the relationships among believers. Unfortunately, the Bible is full of stories of people who disagreed with each other, from the first book to the last – Genesis to Revelation.

Our Attitude
Perhaps the most important thing we need to think about when we do not agree with someone is our attitude. Proverbs says, “By pride cometh contention” (13:10 KJV). We need to ask ourselves, “What is the motivation of our hearts?” Are we really concerned with the subject of the disagreement or are we simply more concerned that the person is not agreeing with us?

Pride implies we view ourselves as being better than others. The Lord hates pride (8:13), and we will be shamed if we have it (11:2). When we have a disagreement we first need to look within our hearts and evaluate whether the issue is simply that we think we are better or that we know more than the other person.

The opposite of being proud is being humble. Humility means to rank myself lower than someone else, to view others as better or higher than myself. The Lord taught that we should be as humble as a little child (Mt. 18:4), and those who are humble will be exalted (23:12). He gives us grace when we have an attitude of humility (Jas. 4:6), and we are reminded that we are supposed to have a spirit of meekness when we are dealing with believers (Gal. 6:1). When we have a disagreement with someone, the first question we should ask ourselves is, “Do we have the right attitude toward the person with whom we are disagreeing?”

Is It Worth It?
Does the issue that we are disagreeing about really matter? Sometimes we find ourselves disagreeing or arguing with someone about something that actually does not matter. We need to be careful.

When we begin to have strife or contention with someone, it is like when a person begins letting water out of something (Prov. 17:14). Once it starts it may come out quickly, and more may come out than envisioned. Have you ever gotten into a disagreement with someone and before you knew it you were saying things which you regretted later? Perhaps a small disagreement turned into a large argument? This verse teaches us to be very careful about the beginning of strife. We need to think about whether the issue at hand is truly important – for once we begin, the situation may get worse. The Lord Jesus said we should agree with our “adversary quickly” (Mt. 5:25) when we have matters that are not particularly significant.

We have to keep the end in mind. For example, when Paul and Barnabas had to make a decision about taking Mark with them on a journey, they disagreed with each other (Acts 15:36-41). What perhaps began as a simple disagreement caused them to separate from each other, going in different directions and not working together again in serving the Lord. While one of them may have been right, what we are emphasizing with this story is to know where a disagreement may take us and ask ourselves, “Is it worth it?” At times it may be worth it, but often it is not.

There Are Issues About Which We Need To Disagree
Sometimes there is something significant against which we need to take a stand. Consider what we read in Galatians about Paul and Peter having a disagreement (2:11-14). In this story we find Peter no longer acting correctly in how he was treating believing Gentiles. He had been eating with them, but when some Jews visited he no longer ate with the Gentile Christians. Paul admonished Peter for his changed behavior, and Paul did so in front of all present because Peter’s sin had been public. Paul needed to disagree and point out the problem to Peter. The apostle Paul did not do it because he was proud, but because Peter was doing something wrong which was hurting other believers.

At various times the Lord publicly disagreed. Remember when Peter said in Matthew 26 that he would not deny the Lord, and the Lord disagreed with him in front of the other disciples? Here and elsewhere, we find the Lord disagreed with people when it was in their best interest for Him to do so. As we can see, there are instances when it is right to disagree in public.

In 2 Timothy we find that there are times when we have to separate from believers with whom we cannot walk together because we disagree with them in relation to God’s Word. It is very sad if our disagreements reach that level. In these cases we need to make sure we are disagreeing with right motives in our heart. The goal, even in this situation, is that God will give them “repentance to the acknowledging of the truth” (2:25).

Our Approach
When we find that we disagree with someone as to an issue significant enough to address with that person, how are we to do it? If our attitude is correct and we are in the right position – humble versus being proud – we will see what to do in Scripture. We learn that we are to be gentle and patient (v.24). This is how our conversation should be characterized. Are we gentle with people or do we try to run them over with our words? Is our speech “with grace, seasoned with salt” (Col. 4:6) or the opposite?

We probably know that the way in which we talk is often more important than what we say. If we begin a conversation without grace or begin too aggressively, the other person will focus on this rather than on what we are actually talking about. However, if we are gracious in how we talk and gentle in our words, we will find that it is often much easier to have a difficult conversation with someone. They are more likely to listen to us if they know we care about them. The disciples knew the Lord cared, and this allowed Him to speak plainly to them.

So, if we know we are to be gentle, patient and gracious, what do we do next? Matthew 18:15-17 gives us a very good pattern to follow. We learn that if someone trespasses against us, we should go and talk to that person alone. Now we may have disagreements with someone who has not trespassed against us; however, the principle is the same. When we have a disagreement with someone we should go and talk to him or her about it. Often, if we do not discuss a matter, it can build into great frustration and get much worse. This is what happened with David and his sons Amnon and Absalom in 2 Samuel 13–14. When they sinned, David did not discuss it with them. Eventually it led to even greater difficulties between them.

Notice that we need to talk to that person. Often we talk to other people about a situation instead. In the Bible this is referred to as being a “talebearer,” and when we do this we cause wounds (Prov. 18:8, 26:22). It is much better to go directly to the person with whom we have the disagreement and talk to them alone. If we talk to the person and the conversation does not go well, then we find in Matthew 18:16 that it is good to have someone join in conversation with us. We sometimes need help, and we should ask for it.

Paul told the church in Philippi that it was important for the two people who were having a disagreement to be of the same mind (Phil. 2:2); he wrote this to the entire group. If there are disagreements between believers, we need to address them according to the principles laid out in Scripture: first talk to the person alone, then take another along with the goal that we would be of the same mind at the end.

After We Talk
When we have had a disagreement and we have discussed it, we should put the disagreement behind us. Earlier we mentioned Paul and Barnabas’ disagreement in relation to taking Mark on a journey. Reading farther we find that Paul asked Timothy to bring Mark to him because he would be useful in the ministry (2 Tim. 4:11). In Luke 17:3-4 we learn the importance of forgiveness, and when we forgive we, as the saying goes, “bury it in the sea.” We do not bring the matter up again. In the same way the Lord has forgiven us.

Joseph is a great example of this for us. We read that after Joseph and his brothers had discussed the issue that had come up between them, “he comforted them, and spake kindly unto them” (Gen. 50:21). He did not hold a grudge; in fact, he told them that God had meant it all for good.

Sometime after Paul and Peter had their public disagreement, we find them working together. Peter spoke highly of Paul, describing him as his “beloved brother” and one who had “wisdom” (2 Pet. 3:15). He did not bear a grudge or say things that were hurtful about Paul. When we have a disagreement with another believer, discuss and settle it, then don’t dwell on it any longer.

Do Not Stumble Someone
First Corinthians 8 and 10 remind us about an important principle regarding the impact we may have on other people by what we do. We are exhorted to make sure that we do not offend our weak brother. Even when we may have a disagreement with someone over a particular issue, it is important that we do not offend our weaker brother. Paul said he would not do some things in order not to offend his brother in the Lord (1 Cor. 8:13). We are reminded, “Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others” (Phil. 2:4). When we have a disagreement, am I looking on the things of others? Is the disagreement, or how I am handling the disagreement with my fellow believer, being done in a way that brings glory to God (1 Cor. 10:31)? Am I seeking my own profit or the profit of others (v.33)?

Conclusion
We have learned that how we deal with disagreements with other believers is very important. There are times when it is necessary for us to address legitimate issues which arise between believers, but it should be done with a spirit of grace, gentleness and meekness. We should not do anything through pride or thinking ourselves better than others.

When we approach another believer about something, we should do it in a scriptural way, talking directly to the other person and not being a talebearer. If we offend someone we should ask for forgiveness, and we need to forgive if someone has offended us. As believers, Scripture should always be our guide!

By David Pickering