The Middle-Age Family / Part 2

The Middle Age Family – Part 2
Clearing The Clutter

“We rebuilt the wall till all of it reached half its height, for the people worked with all their heart.” Nehemiah 4:6

“The strength of the laborers is giving out, and there is so much rubble that we cannot build.” Nehemiah 4:10

Last month we explored the nature of mid-life from the perspective of being a person, partner and parent in a family where all the children have left home, likening it to the half-way point in rebuilding the wall of Jerusalem in Nehemiah’s day. We noted that as couples face their middle years, they are often encumbered by the rubble of disappointments, hurts and stresses that have accumulated in their lives. Developmentally, they must face the tasks of mid-life that include: learning how to be a couple again; re-organizing time, space and energy in light of the empty nest; re-ordering priorities, re-assessing direction and establishing a life path for the middle years; and clearing the clutter that may have stalled the marriage, thereby re-kindling the excitement of the relationship.

The purpose of this article is to examine some biblical principles and examples that provide mid-life couples and families with the resources necessary to rise above the rubble, and overcome mid-life stresses in a way that brings honor to the Lord and promotes resiliency in the family.

Motto For Mid-Life
Nehemiah’s motivational message to the worn-out workers on Jerusalem’s wall is an apt challenge for mid-life couples. Immediately after he acknowledges the obstacles to the building project, he says, “Remember the Lord who is great and awesome” (Neh. 4:14 NIV). He redirects attention from the inadequacy of human strength to the unlimited resources of God. Certainly during midlife, the wisdom of not relying on our own resources begins to make sense. So the first step toward clearing the rubble is to get our minds off our circumstances and on the Lord.

Mission For Mid-Life
Mid-life is a time of reassessment and re-direction. If you did your homework assigned in last month’s article, you have done a personal inventory that helped you identify where you are as a person, partner and parent using the biblical scales related to your affect or emotions (1 Cor. 13:4-8), your behavior or actions (2 Pet. 1:3-8) and your cognitions or thoughts (Phil. 4:4-8). However, the purpose of such an assessment is to provide a basis for engaging in the primary job of a Christian couple in mid-life, which is serving the Lord or doing God’s business.

It is not coincidental that the qualifications for service and ministry in the Church are directly related to one’s performance in the context of marriage and family life. First Timothy 3:1-5 describes the qualifications for service in the local church. These credentials include personal character and testimony, a positive marital relationship and a functional family. In fact, the rhetorical question summing up the passage says it all: “If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s Church?” (1 Tim. 3:5)

A commentary on this passage suggests that for the majority of married couples who have children, their priorities after their individual relationships with the Lord should be: marriage (partner role), family (parent role) and work (provider role). Their first responsibility should be service in the family before venturing into service in the church. Thus when mid-life hits, there can be a natural transition into the Lord’s work, culminating your training with the qualifications noted in 1 Timothy 3.

Mid-Life Models And Messages
While the Bible is replete with examples of persons in mid-life who have struggled with life and grappled with their faith, I have selected only three to emphasize key aspects of effectively coping with the stresses of mid-life and engaging in the mid-life mission of doing the Lord’s work. The three examples are: the mother of Jesus; the Apostle Paul; and Zebedee’s family.

Mary’s Mid-Life Crisis
There is no greater pain for a parent than to witness the death of her child. When Mary stood at the foot of the cross (Jn. 19:26) as her firstborn son was cruelly crucified, her heart must have broken. The helplessness, anguish and disbelief must have been overwhelming. Then to have the child who opened her womb look down at her with love and compassion and say, “Dear woman, here is your son” (referring to John, Jn. 19:26) must have been both comforting and confusing: comforting in that Jesus was looking out for her welfare in the midst of His pain, but confusing in that He directed her to the care of someone outside the family (not her other children). What was going on here?

Mary’s mid-life crisis qualifies as the most difficult transition on record. Not only was her life turned upside down by the loss of her son, but she had to make an adjustment that no other human being has ever had to make. She had to transform herself from seeing Jesus as her son, to believing that He was her Savior and Lord. How did she do that? Certainly the grace of God was involved (Lk. 1:30); and her own experiences as she watched Him grow up (Lk. 2:51) and served Him in His ministry (Jn. 2:1-12) helped. Being turned over to John’s care – someone close to the Lord, but outside the family – also may have helped. But the primary way that Mary endured the crisis – made the transition and overcame the pain – was that she immersed herself in doing the Lord’s business.

In Acts 1 we find her gathered with the disciples, other women and her sons praying and waiting for direction. Mary was an integral part of the first church in Jerusalem, and did her part in helping transform the beliefs of her children as well. (It was no easy task for them either to change their view of Jesus as brother to Jesus as Savior and Lord.) Immersing herself in doing her Lord’s work enabled her to heal the pain and overcome the rubble of her mid-life.

Paul’s Mid-Life Mottos
In many ways Paul’s entire adult life could be called a mid-life saga. Every time he got to a pinnacle of power, he was toppled and taught a new lesson. As a young, rising star among the Pharisees (Phil. 3:4-6), he made a reputation for himself by persecuting the Church (Acts 7:57). Then he met the Lord on the road to Damascus (Acts 9:1-17), and his whole world fell apart until he accepted the Lord as his Savior. All of his credentials and training went down the tubes, and he was whisked away into the wilderness to be trained for his mission as an apostle to the Gentiles (Gal. 1:15-17).

Subsequently, as a mature adult he learned this vital principle: “Whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ” (Phil. 3:7). And he made the transition from seeing Jesus as his Savior to knowing Him as Lord. Then, when he got rolling as an apostle, he was strengthened by adversity that may have made him feel somewhat invulnerable (2 Cor. 11:23-28). After enduring all that Paul endured, wouldn’t you start to feel invincible – with the Lord’s help of course?

So what did Paul have to cope with that qualifies him as one of our mid-life models? He refers to it as his “thorn in the flesh” (2 Cor. 12:7-10). We don’t know what it was, but we do know it plagued Paul so much that he begged the Lord three times to remove it. In doing so he learned dependence. At a time when he could expect to be strong and handle the pressures of his life and mission with alacrity, he got an answer that made him realize his vulnerability: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor. 12:9). He had to learn that when he was weak then he was strong in the Lord.

Ultimately these experiences led him to what I call Paul’s three mottos for mid-life. First, our strength is in the Lord and not in ourselves: “My (God’s) power is made perfect in weakness,” and “When I am weak then I am strong” (2 Cor. 12:9,11). Second, we are to look ahead not behind: “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 3:13-14). Third, contentment not control is the key to coping in mid-life: “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” (Phil. 4: 11), and “Godliness with contentment is great gain” (2 Tim. 6:6).

Zebedee And His Wife: A Model Mid-Life Couple
If ever there were ever a potential case for regret and bitterness in mid-life, Zebedee would be it. And it would be Jesus’ fault. Let’s consider this for a moment. Jesus decimated Zebedee’s family-owned, fishing business by recruiting his sons, James and John, to be His disciples (Mk. 1:19). If that wasn’t enough, his wife then followed her sons on the road ministering to Jesus and making outrageous requests in an attempt to solidify their new careers in the coming kingdom (Mt. 20:20-23). So who was home making Zebedee’s dinner? And, if his wife had the gall to ask Jesus to make her sons His first hand attendants, what demands would she likely have made of her poor husband?

All this, of course, is idle, human conjecture. What we know is that Zebedee’s family committed to doing the Lord’s work. It was not a problem with him for his sons to be the Lord’s disciples. It was fine for his wife to be the active one in Jesus ministry here on earth right up to the cross (Mt. 27:55-56). Even the fact that Jesus gave His mother into the care of Zebedee’s son John says much about the family’s commitment. Evidently, Zebedee did not have a problem with being behind the scenes and simply working at his fishing job as a provider.

Apparently his wife’s more public activity was not a threat to his ego, and he was willing to support her in ministering to the Lord. And how do we know? It’s a very subtle point, but we don’t even know Zebedee’s wife’s name. Yet God’s Word forever links Zebedee and his wife as a couple in the phrase, “the mother of Zebedee’s sons” (Mt. 20:20; 27:56). As such, I view them as a model mid-life couple who immersed themselves in the Lord’s work and dedicated themselves to doing God’s business.

Removing The Rubble
So what happens when a mid-life couple commits to serving the Lord and doing God’s business? When their focus is on God, and they are seeking His will, their focus is off each other and the hurts, disappointments and trials of the past that could distract and upset them. As each seeks to serve the Lord, they find mutual fulfillment and meaning in life that pays dividends not only in this life but for eternity. As they work together and support one another, their marriage is energized, and they find that they have the strength they need for the pathway ahead. As a couple they will have a purpose in life as well as the assurance that contentment will accompany whatever circumstances they find themselves in.

And finally, there is a fringe benefit: If parents are immersed in doing God’s business, they will not have time to meddle in their grown children’s business. This is a gift to their children reducing the marital tension frequently caused by in-law interference. They will be welcomed as part-time lovers to their grandchildren should the Lord bless them with such. They will be a model to their children and grandchildren and thereby pass on the Lord’s legacy to the next generation. With the Lord’s help, the rubble that causes couples to get stuck in mid-life will be cleared, and they will be able to get on with the task of “building the wall” and doing the Lord’s work as persons, partners and parents.

By James P. Trotzer

This concludes this two-part article.