Family Relationships – The Christian Perspective

Feature 1 – October 2019 — Grace & Truth Magazine

Family Relationships – The Christian’s Perspective

Relationships – a very big sub ject – are found in all aspects of life, including in the family, neighborhood, school, work and social settings. The Holy Scripture has much to teach us on this subject, but the focus of this article will be from the believers’ perspective on their relationships with unbelieving family members.

Obeying Parents
God brought each of us into this world through one earthly father and one earthly mother. Unfortunately, we may grow up in a family with only one parent. It is also possible that neither parent will be with us during our childhood. Yet, God still provides at least one adult to have authority over us in those years. As Christians, our concern may be: What if our parents or the adult responsible for us are not believers in the Lord Jesus Christ? What should we do? How should we act?

In Ephesians 6:1 we are told, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right” (NKJV). This instruction is given to us for our blessing. It applies whether or not our parents are believers, for in the family environment we learn the lordship of Christ. God does this by teaching us to obey the authority of our parents. By doing so, we will understand the authority of the Lord in our lives as we grow older. Obedience means when we are asked to do or not do something, we bow to the request, acting in accordance to what we are told. Of course this implies that the requests and instructions given by our parents are not in conflict with the believers’ relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ.

If a person were to ask us to do something that would displease the Lord according to the Word of God, we should not obey. That is why the Scriptures use the expression “in the Lord” in connection with obedience. For example, if a parent asks us to steal something to help the family, this would displease the Lord, for we are told in God’s Word not to steal (Ex. 20:15). In these situations, “we ought to obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29). Hopefully, no child will hear sinful demands from a parent.

Usually, by obeying our parents we are obeying the Lord. The reason is that “this is right.” According to God, it is right to obey our parents. No further explanation is needed!

Honoring Parents
In Ephesians 6:2-3 we read: “‘Honor your father and mother,’ which is the first commandment with promise: ‘that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.’” Once again, this instruction does not change whether our parents are believers or not. They are God’s provision for us while we are growing up. We are to honor them!

Honoring parents includes obeying them, but it is more than just obeying what they ask. In the world, children disrespect parents. They speak badly about their father and mother. Children challenge their parents, and they defy and ignore their authority. A believer should not speak badly about their parents. Instead, believers should speak highly about their parents, giving them honor. To show honor, believers should not “talk back” to their parents.

Notice we are given a reason for honoring our parents. God has a promise for us if we obey His command: things will go well for us and we can be blessed with a long life. How wonderful that God blesses obedience and honoring by us to our parents, whether they are believers or unbelievers.

Helping Parents
As we get older, we should help our parents. For example, when a son or daughter earns money through employment they may be able to assist a parent with financial needs. The Lord rebuked the wrong teaching by the spiritual leadership of His time: the Pharisees taught that promising to give what we possess to God in a future day removed the responsibility to help one’s parents now. Our Lord said this was a rejection of God’s commands, saying to the Pharisees, “Then you no longer let him do anything for his father or his mother” (Mk. 7:12).

When the apostle Paul instructed Timothy, he told him that children should support their parents in their old age. In 1 Timothy 5:4 we read: “But if any widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show piety at home and to repay their parents; for this is good and acceptable before God.” The family is provided by God as the first resource to help with older parental needs. The church is not to be burdened with this need before family help is considered. The children and grandchildren are obligated to those who brought them into the world, raised them, cared for their needs and loved them. When children accept the responsibility of caring for their aged parents, they are pleasing God. Once again, this instruction does not change whether the parents are believers or unbelievers.

Abusive Parents
What should believing children do if they are living with abusive parents? Sadly, this situation may exist for some. Knowing that we should obey and honor our parents, how do we survive in such a circumstance? It is not God’s desire that a child, or any person, be abused. We see this in the world in many families that have no faith in the Lord, yet abuse does even happen in Christian families.

We have an example of what to do in the life of David with his relationship with King Saul. This king brought David under his parental authority when David was just a young man. In a short time, King Saul viewed David with suspicion. It got to the point that Saul wanted to hurt David physically. In 1 Samuel 18:11 we read that Saul threw a spear at David, while David was trying to calm the king’s troubled spirit with music. The LORD did not allow David to be harmed, however, and we learn that David “escaped [Saul’s] presence twice.”

As we read on we see the wisdom of David in how he handled the abuse of King Saul. He relocated and reduced the amount of interaction he had with him. David acted with wisdom in what he did and experienced the LORD’s help and presence. He also found comfort in his friendship with Jonathan, Saul’s son. Because of this friendship, Jonathan warned David about plans Saul had to harm him. David never sought revenge. Even when opportunity came along, David refused to harm Saul.

We understand that not everyone can be delivered from abuse the way David was delivered. Today there may be other ways to remove the abuse, such as through extended family intervention. A grandparent, uncle or aunt can sometimes step in and help. Government programs in many countries may be of help too. Remember that it is not God’s will that a child be in a physically abusive home.

Brothers And Sisters
You may have a brother or sister, or many brothers and sisters, who are not believers. How should we live with them while growing up in the same family? We have a wonderful example in the Bible, found in the life of Joseph in the book of Genesis. He was the second youngest son of 12 boys and at least one girl. His brothers were jealous of Joseph and wanted to get rid of him because their father treated him in a special way. We can apply their actions to circumstances we may face with unbelieving brothers or sisters.

Joseph was interested in his brothers, and his father instructed Joseph, “Please go and see if it is well with your brothers and well with the flocks, and bring back word to me” (Gen. 37:14). Joseph obeyed his father, but he had to search for his brothers since they had gone much farther away from home than expected. Still, Joseph was faithful and continued to seek them until he found them. We too should care for our brothers and sisters, being interested in them and helping them find and believe in the Lord Jesus as their Savior. Do not give up easily, for it may take more time and effort than originally expected.

After Joseph found his brothers, they mistreated him. He was taken by force and sold as a slave to a group of people who were traveling from Gilead to Egypt. It seemed that Joseph would never see his father and brothers again. You and I might think that Joseph would never have forgiven them for what they did to him.

Many years later, after God delivered Joseph from slavery and prison, he saw his brothers again through circumstances that God ordered. Joseph said to his brothers, “I am Joseph your brother, whom you sold into Egypt. But now, do not therefore be grieved or angry with yourselves because you sold me here; for God sent me before you to preserve life. For these two years the famine has been in the land, and there are still five years in which there will be neither plowing nor harvesting. And God sent me before you to preserve a posterity for you in the earth, and to save your lives by a great deliverance. So now it was not you who sent me here, but God; and He has made me a father to Pharaoh, and lord of all his house, and a ruler throughout all the land of Egypt” (Gen. 45:4-8). We can see by Joseph’s words that he understood why God allowed him to go through such difficulties, even by the hands of his brothers. By his kind words, we can tell he had forgiven his brothers.

This is another way in which we would please the Lord in a family situation where our brothers or sisters may be unbelievers. We should be willing to forgive them when they do or say things that harm us.

Marriage Relationships
The relationship of a believing person entering into marriage is very clear from Scripture. First, the Bible teaches that a believer should only marry one person, who is of the opposite sex: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (2:24).

A believer must only marry another believer. We read in 2 Corinthians 6:14: “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers.” Sometimes believers become involved with unbelievers, and after a time they want to marry them. They say that they have prayed about it and feel the Lord is leading them to marry the unbeliever. This way of thinking is wrong. The Lord would never lead us to do something contrary to His revealed will in His Word. In fact, there is no need to pray about this particular matter; obedience to what God has already instructed in His Word is what is needed!

The relationship of a believer with an unbeliever leading toward marriage should never have reached that point, since the other person was not a believer from the start. If marriage is entered into, God will be displeased. Such a marriage does not have God’s blessing. Yes, God in mercy may save the unbelieving spouse; but more often than not, the believer is brought spiritually far from the Lord and the unbelieving spouse never becomes a Christian. Much sorrow results from disobeying the Lord’s will in this matter.

Married, Then Saved
What about the situation where someone who is already married becomes a Christian after marriage, and their spouse remains an unbeliever? Scripture addresses this issue as well. In the early days of the Church many people found themselves in such a plight; should they leave their unbelieving spouse or stay with them?

We find from God’s Word that it is the Lord’s will that the believing spouse remain with the unbelieving spouse as long as the unbeliever is willing to remain married to them. “If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him” (1 Cor. 7:12-13).

The Lord gave three main reasons for remaining married to an unbeliever in this particular situation, as found in 1 Corinthians 7:14-16. The passage states, “For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife.”

The first reason to remain married is the blessing the believing spouse has on the unbelieving companion. The faith of the one provides a unique atmosphere for the unbelieving spouse during this lifetime. God will temporarily bless and watch over an unbelieving spouse because of his or her marriage to a believing spouse during their time together. Secondly, their children are put in a position of God’s favor because of the believing spouse. The believing spouse need not worry that the unbelieving companion may defile their children. God has promised His blessing. Thirdly, by remaining married, the believing spouse may be used of God to lead him or her to faith in Christ. How wonderful when this does happen, and what a joy! This last point is highlighted in 1 Peter 3:1-2: “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.”

Parents With Unbelieving Children
How should Christian parents raise their children even though their children may not believe in the Lord Jesus? Clearly the parents should provide a family environment whereby the children hear the gospel and have an opportunity to come to know the Lord Jesus as their Savior. Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” What a wonderful message to parents. By being faithful, our children can learn how much we love and fear the Lord, creating a desire in them to do the same. As the years pass, children may grow in their faith and steadfastly follow the Lord. They will follow the Lord even when they get older, showing the reality of their own faith.

In Ephesians 6:4, Paul gave a word of caution: “... and you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” Many an unbelieving child grows up to rebel against overbearing and rigid parenting, and they turn their backs on the Lord. By placing unrealistic demands on our children or punishing them more than is needful, we can provoke our children to wrath, anger and resentment. This is a sad condition. Children become frustrated and convinced that they cannot please their parents’ high expectations and demands. This then carries over to the spiritual realm and may cause a child to stumble from faith in Christ.

Conclusion
Many more things can be said on this important subject. May the thoughts shared help us along the way, and cause us to search the Holy Scriptures to learn more.

Our relationships with unbelievers within the family prepare us for our relationships outside that setting. We meet and interact with many unbelieving people each week – some may be where we go to school or work, and others may be a brief encounter in an unexpected moment. No matter how we interact, let us always remember that as believers we are ambassadors for Christ (2 Cor. 5:20). We should let our light shine so unbelievers are able to see Christ in us (Phil. 2:15), which may lead to their blessing and salvation.

By Bill Kulkens