Remarriage: The New Frontier Of The Family

Family – September 2009 – Grace & Truth Magazine

A CHRISTIAN PERSPECTIVE ON LIVES INTERRUPTED BY DIVORCE

REMARRIAGE:
The New Frontier Of Family Life

“By day the Lord went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud to guide them on their way and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, so that they could travel by day or night. Neither the pillar of cloud by day not the pillar of fire by night left its place in front of the people.” Exodus 13:21-22 NIV

For most remarried families, the experience of remarriage is much like that of the children of Israel who knew where they were supposed to go, but spent 40 frustrating years in the wilderness figuring out how to get there. And when they finally got there, they still had to secure the Promised Land before they could live in it. Such is the case for remarried Christian families.

There is always something more to attend to, but like the children of Israel, God is always present – sometimes in a pillar of cloud and sometimes in a pillar of fire – to strengthen, support and lead the new family through the uncharted wilderness of remarried life and into the promised land of family fulfillment.

Territory Of Remarriage
When divorced parents remarry, they enter a new frontier of family life that is still for all practical purposes uncharted. Like any frontier adventure, faith, character and courage are mandatory; however most still enter the domain of remarriage with no inkling of what they are getting into. One authority on the remarried family brazenly predicted that 70% of remarriages would fail without professional help. Fortunately for remarried Christians help is readily available from the One who is an “ever present help in trouble” (Ps. 46:1), who will “never leave ... nor forsake” (Dt. 31:6) and who will always provide resources in whatever circumstances they find themselves (1 Cor. 10:13).

Although much has been written about remarried families, confusion still abounds. As a result, most remarried couples with children enter family life with less than adequate models, and memories of a failed family which they don’t want to replicate. So they claim the nuclear family model (mother, father, children) as their guide, only to find that they are using a road map of a place they’ve already been to guide them through a place they’ve never been. As one remarried couple explained in counseling: “We have a road map for the White Mountains of New Hampshire, but we are now traveling in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado.”

The purpose of this article is to help clarify some of the confusion and provide a perspective that can help remarried families chart their course with the Lord’s help.

In-Between Time
One key to effective remarried family life is related to what happened between divorce and remarriage. Was sufficient time given to resolve unfinished business, including grief and loss from the previous marriage, for both parents and children? For example, the grief process for children may not fully emerge until one or both parents remarry. While children may experience relief when parents separate and divorce, they still tend to carry the hope that somehow their parents will get back together, or at least remain involved in their lives. When one or both parents remarry, that hope fades and the children begin to grieve the loss of their parent’s marriage. Time is necessary for family members to work through the process so that remarriage is less encumbered by unfinished business from the previous marriage.

Another in-between issue is whether children’s needs and problems were attended to during the parents’ recovery process. This process for the ex-spouses can become unbalanced either by throwing all their energy into caring for the children, or by devoting all their energy to getting themselves back on their feet, or by investing all their energy into careers to make ends meet. In the last two cases, children’s needs and problems may be neglected, creating issues and unfinished business that will emerge later to disrupt the remarried family.

Adjustment Guidelines
The ground rules for adjustment to divorce and remarriage may sound paradoxical, but they are quite logical: To assist children in adjusting to divorce, keep their lives the same as much as possible. Adults should make the big changes and sacrifices, not the children. To assist children in adjusting to remarriage, make a conscious effort to develop new rituals, traditions and rules in the remarried household. In other words, in divorce keep things the same for the children and in remarriage start something new.

In addition, three parameters are helpful in facilitating effective adjustment in remarried families:

1. Remarried families generally require more flexible boundaries than nuclear families.
2. Children in remarried families need to be given dual membership in at least two households.
3. Remarried families require a dual-track approach to concurrently bond the marriage and blend the family.

Parents who demand that children be loyal to one or the other parent’s household generally create long-term turmoil between the ex-partners and the children. But flexible boundaries and dual membership allow children to move unencumbered back and forth between biological parents. In fact, the preferred term for describing remarried families is “multipleparent families” as it is both less negative and more descriptive of a relationship that involves biological and step-parents.

There is also a tendency for tension to decrease (even though complexity increases) when both parents have a new partner. In reality, the ones who have the most difficulty with these guidelines tend to be the parents, not the children. Children quickly learn to handle flexibility and dual-family membership, whereas parents tend to struggle with it. In addition, these guidelines are especially difficult to accept for Christian parents who perceive that sin was or is inherent in the other parent’s lifestyle or character and use that premise as a basis for resisting the flexibility and dual-membership principles. In fact, without the forgiveness of ex-spouses it is very difficult to implement these guidelines.

Pressure Points
In my work with remarried families I have noticed four pressure points that precipitate turmoil and difficulties:

1.The Two-Year Anniversary Mark: Something seems to happen at the two-year mark in remarried families. The “honeymoon” period is over, patience and tolerance are used up, the rose-colored glasses come off, new complications arise, the family moves to a new developmental stage and is distressed. Researchers estimate that it takes a remarried family about five years to form, get comfortable and thrive. At the two-year mark, the family is less than halfway there.

Such frustration is not unlike Nehemiah’s experience in rebuilding the wall of Jerusalem (Neh. 4). First there was the enthusiasm: “So we rebuilt the wall till all of it reached half its height, for the people worked with all their heart” (Neh. 4:6). And then there was the discouragement and the seemingly insurmountable troubles: “The strength of the laborers is giving out and there is so much rubble that we cannot rebuild the wall” (Neh. 4:10).

Often, remarried families need an outside agent to help them see beyond the “muddle in the middle.” It is important for them to heed the advice Nehemiah gave to the workers on the wall in Jerusalem: “Don’t be afraid ... Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers (husbands), your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes” (Neh. 4:14).

2. Leaving And Entering Of Children: Since one or both spouses may have children from a previous marriage, the disposition of them relative to custody, visitation and co-parenting may create issues involving children leaving one household and entering another. Such movements – whether by plan, choice, benevolence, practicality, mandate, circumstances or crisis – bring disorder into both families. Much patience, communication, tolerance and stamina are needed in making these adjustments.

3. Hair-Trigger Response To Stress: Since one or both remarriage partners have been through the turmoil of divorce, they are sensitized to signals that things may be unraveling. Remarried families, unlike nuclear families, tend to seek counseling earlier, and this is a positive indicator that remarried families are more motivated to work on their issues.

4. Family Transitions: Since remarried families do not develop in sync (one family life-cycle stage following another), whenever a remarried family moves into a new developmental stage (especially adolescence), the out-ofsync dynamics of the blended family tend to re-emerge, producing stress that threatens the security of the family. An outside agent can help the family gain perspective and reclaim a sense of normalcy. Such circumstances are faith-testing, and require dependence on the Lord for direction and strength: “Don’t be afraid ... Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome” (Neh. 4:14).

In each case the pressure points serve as vital and helpful signals to the remarried family, reminding them that the work of bonding the marriage and blending the family is never finished, and encouraging them to face the turmoil and work through it. There is no greater opportunity than the cauldron of remarriage to experience the reality of James’ commendation: “Consider it pure joy ... whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (Jas. 1:2-4).

The Big Question
The quintessential question every remarried family grapples with is “Who’s number one?” In reality this question is a critical part of most remarried family turmoil. Whose needs, issues and problems should come first – children’s, spouses’, the marriage’s, the family’s, the step connections’, the ex’s, extended family members’ like grandparents? This is why the remarried family that turns to God for strength and direction will have a better foundation and a better future. If each marital partner strives to have a personal and nurtured relationship with God through Jesus Christ, and if the couple determines to have a Christcentered marriage and a family that honors God, the prospects for a fulfilling life are assured.

Because of sin we are all estranged from God (the Father), and it is only through our acceptance of the gift of His Son that we become adopted members of His family – raised to the status of children and joint heirs, along with Christ, God’s Son (Rom. 8:16-17; Gal. 3:26-29). As such the “Who’s number one?” question is settled and the remarried family can get on with the difficult task of living together.

Exceptions Or Exceptional
All post-divorce families believe to some degree that theirs is not as fully authentic and equally valued as the nuclear family. This sense originates in God’s definition of the family pronounced by Adam: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). However, in love, grace and mercy, God made an exception for imperfection – not to accept it but to correct it. His record on this account is clear. In the Old Testament He demonstrated this in the cases of Rahab (Josh. 2,6) and Ruth (Ruth 1), one a prostitute and one a foreigner, who are both included in the lineage of Christ (Mt. 1:5). Jesus further perpetuated the case of the exception in the New Testament through His encounters with the woman at the well in Samaria (Jn. 4:7-42) and the Roman centurion (Mt. 8:5-13). In each case God not only accepted the exceptions but transformed them into the exceptional.

Such is the case for remarried families who place their faith in God. Their prospect is that they are not merely exceptions, such as “tax collectors and sinners” (Mt. 11:19), who have been accepted but given a lower place in the family scheme. Rather, their prospect is that of being precious in the sight of God, equal in the presence of God and exceptional in the purpose of God.

By Jim Trotzer