Developing Marital Harmony

Family –September 2010 – Grace & Truth Magazine

Developing Marital HARMONY

The biblical prescription for harmony in all aspects of life is simple: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph. 5:21 NIV ). This prescription is not practiced by Christians as much as it should be, partly because the biblical word “submit” is misunderstood, and partly because such submitting is so contrary to our natural tendencies. For these reasons, we’ll focus on what Scripture says to husbands and wives about how to live in harmony in the family.

Husbands
In some cultures, the husband traditionally establishes himself as somewhat of a tyrant, ruling over the household with a rod of iron. A Christian who follows this tradition often justifies his behavior by misapplying Scripture. Indeed, a husband can twist Scripture and conclude that such behavior is actually prescribed, wrongly emphasizing that “wives should submit to their husbands in everything,” while ignoring the qualifier “as the Church submits to Christ” (Eph. 5:24). Then he selects the clause which says that “the head of the woman is man” while omitting the important beginning which states that “the head of every man is Christ” (1 Cor. 11:3). And finally he wrongly concludes that Scripture teaches that a wife is to consider herself a doormat to be walked on.

Let’s look closely at the qualifier that wifely submission is to be “as the Church submits to Christ.” The Church submits to Christ because He loves her. Husbands are told to “love your wives just as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for her” (Eph. 5:25). A husband’s relationship with his wife is to be self-sacrificing and not demanding. A wise husband realizes that the teaching that Christ is the head of the Church implies that his behavior towards his wife should be Christ-like. A wise husband will carefully consider what Scripture requires of him before he demands what it teaches his wife. Harmony in the family will result when both parties practice these scriptural injunctions.

If men were “naturally” loving it would not be necessary for them to be told to “be considerate ... and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and heirs with you of the gracious gift of life” (1 Pet. 3:7). Generally, men are physically stronger than women, but men who use that strength to abuse their wives are violating God’s Word. Men who have a pattern of hurting their wives, then begging forgiveness until next time, misapply Scripture. Nowhere does the Bible say that the purpose of forgiveness is to, in effect, condone sin.

Men And Women Different
Men and women differ mentally as well as physically. In his article entitled “His Brain, Her Brain” (Scientific American, May ’05, pp. 41-46) Larry Cahill wrote: “Over the past decade, investigators have documented an astonishing array of structural, chemical, and fundamental differences in the brains of males and females.” As a result of these differences, he notes that “women are more prone to depression,” and men should be compassionate, not upset, when “trivial” things in their eyes cause tears to flow in their wives’ eyes. Cahill also points out that men tend to get the “gist” of a story while women dwell more on “peripheral details,” sometimes missing the main point. Disharmony results if husbands fail to realize that this is how God made women.

According to Cahill, research shows that women’s brains are better than men’s in “language processing and comprehension.” They are generally more verbal and want to “talk it out” rather than come to a quick solution. Realizing this, the considerate husband will discuss matters with his wife as they make family decisions rather than make a decree. Decrees do not foster family harmony!

There are ways in which brain differences can actually make the family stronger – and the husband should see that the family benefits from them. For example, Cahill states that women appear to be “more resilient ... in the face of chronic stress.” Consequently, when the family is going through difficult times, the wife may actually be “stronger.” If the husband is wise, he’ll encourage and welcome her support. When the family operates in this way it too is stronger.

Wives
Just as the husband is exhorted to behave lovingly towards his wife, she is exhorted to “be submis sive” to her husband (1 Pet. 3:1). Why? Because such behavior is not natural. Unfortunately, the common antagonistic response is due to misunderstanding. The English word “submit” connotes weakness or surrender, but that’s not what the Greek word means. In this context the word “submit” is a military term which connotes the way one responds in a military chain of command. In Scripture that chain of command is God to Christ to husband to wife (1 Cor. 11:3; Eph. 5:22-24). Scripture does not give the husband this position because he is better, but because he has the responsibility for the family. Wives should assume it only if husbands persist in shirking their duty. Family harmony results when both work together spiritually.

But what can a wife do if her husband acts like a tyrant or shirks his responsibility? She can first try to use her verbal abilities to persuade him about his injurious behavior. If this does not work she may seek the help of a church elder whose judgment both she and her husband respect (Mt. 18:15-17).

Husband And Wife – A Team
When God took Eve out of Adam, He introduced the differences we have been describing, suggesting that their strengths complement each other. God gave man responsibilities (Gen. 2:15) and then said: “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make a helper suitable for him” (Gen. 2:18). Women enjoy helping their husbands carry out plans they formulate together. In this way, more can be accomplished for the family than either one could accomplish alone. Scripturally speaking, in a functioning team the stronger leads the one he loves in the same direction. But that direction is not arbitrarily chosen by the leader, but by the holder of the reins who, in a harmonious Christian family, is Christ.

This is the biblical principle for marital harmony: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph. 5:21). When this is done, husband and wife will “live in harmony with one another ... sympathetic ... compassionate and humble” (1 Pet. 3:8).

By Alan H. Crosby