Resolving Disagreements Between Christians

Feature 2 – November 2020 – Grace & Truth Magazine

Resolving Disagreements Between Christians

God – our God – is a God of peace and reconciliation. Reconciliation involves the restoration of a relationship to true enjoyment. So comes the question: “How do we deal with conflict between believers, to be reconciled one with another?”

When reading the Bible we soon see that God desires reconciliation. He reached out to guilty man, who was hiding. God desired that mankind be reconciled to Him. Men had sinned and were enemies with God. It was our problem, but He intervened and provided a solution even though it was at a very great cost to Him and His Son, the Lord Jesus. For reconciliation to be possible, the Lord had to die on the cross and pay the penalty of our sin and rebellion against the holy and righteous God. His desire to have a relationship with us was so great that He was willing to provide the way for us. This is the greatest proof of His desire of reconciliation.

Referring to what He has done, God challenges us to be reconciled with our fellow believers. In fact the Lord taught, in what we call the “Sermon on the Mount,” that if we are not willing to forgive our brother who has offended us, how can we expect to receive God’s forgiveness (Mt. 6:14-15)? How can we have an unforgiving attitude when we consider God has reconciled us to Himself? The Lord indicated that reconciliation with our brother is more important to Him than worship and sacrifice (5:23-24).

Conflicts In The Bible
The Bible gives us many examples of conflict between family members and fellow believers. From these passages we understand the consequences of conflicts and we see the need for reconciliation. There was conflict between Cain and Abel – so severe that it resulted in murder. Conflict existed between Abraham and Lot, Sarah and Hagar, Esau and Jacob, and each case caused a separation between them from which they never recovered. These examples are found in Genesis, but we see more as we progress through the Old Testament, including between Job and his wife, Job and his three friends, David and his son Absalom, and King Saul and David.

Sadly, conflict is seen in many portions of the New Testament as well. For example, there was conflict between the disciples, for they all desired to be the greatest in the kingdom. Paul confronted Peter face to face over matters of doctrinal purity. There were difficulties in the congregation at Philippi between two sisters, and between a master and his runaway slave for whom Paul interceded.

Contending For The Faith
Some conflict may not be avoidable and should not be avoided. Jude wrote: “Beloved, while I was very diligent to write to you concerning our common salvation, I found it necessary to write to you exhorting you to contend earnestly for the faith which was once for all delivered to the saints” (v.3 NKJV). From this and the account of Paul and Peter speaking face to face (Gal. 2:11-14), we see these conflicts were not of a personal nature but a contending “earnestly for the faith.” From Peter’s comments about Paul – “beloved brother Paul” (2 Pet. 3:15) – we understand that there were no hard feelings between them. It was a correction needed and properly accepted. Such conflict or correction is necessary, and it is healthy when properly done.

Personal Conflict
Personal conflict is another matter and sadly is the type often seen between believers. The remedy is so simple and yet so very difficult. We see the perfect example in the Lord Jesus, and we are exhorted to live our lives accordingly: “... Being likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself, and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross” (Phil. 2:2-8). The simple – yet difficult – solution to personal conflict is humility.

When such conflict happens we must realize that it involves more than just us or the small circle of people directly involved. Absalom’s conflict with his father David affected many people, to the point of civil war in Israel (2 Sam. 15–18). In Philemon, the matters related to Onesimus affected the whole household. One brother suing another in Corinth caused a bad testimony for the gathering locally and beyond (1 Cor. 6:1-8). Two quarreling sisters in the congregation at Philippi had an effect on others in the assembly (Phil. 4:2-3). Happiness and peace were lacking! Yes, personal conflict is very disruptive, destructive and disturbing to many.

Lasting Effects
Conflicts will have long-lasting effects if not resolved in a timely manner. For example, after Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery, they had to live for many years with the great sorrow of their father and their own guilt. Like we often do, they probably tried to put the incident out of their minds as much as possible. When, because of a famine, they went to Egypt to buy food for the family, they had a conflict with the governor who, unknown to them, was their brother Joseph! This situation caused them to speculate that their problems at the time were because of what they had done to Joseph decades earlier. The last chapter of Genesis tells us that when their father died years later, the brothers came in fear to Joseph, suspecting that he would then retaliate, or get even with them.

We find in 2 Samuel 13 that the sin Absalom’s brother Amnon had done to Absalom’s sister Tamar brewed in Absalom’s heart, for the conflict had never been dealt with. Then several years later when the opportunity arose, Absalom murdered Amnon in vengeance.

The deception of Jacob to his brother Esau in stealing the blessing caused Jacob to flee. Jacob never saw his mother again, because she died before he returned. When the two brothers were reunited 20 years later, Jacob dreaded the meeting and was fearful of what his brother might do at their encounter, according to Genesis 32.

In the New Testament, in Luke 15, we read that the abusive and selfish actions of the prodigal son affected his older brother greatly. It was to such an extent that the bitterness he felt in his heart toward his younger brother did not allow him to rejoice when that lost brother returned.

From these examples we can see that the one offended and the offender are emotionally tied to each other. Do we not know by personal experience that this is so? Therefore, it is extremely important for both to take steps and be reconciled together.

The Lord’s Instructions
Instructions from the Lord speak to both the offender and the offended. They are to go to the other to seek reconciliation, as we see in Matthew 5:23-24: “Therefore, if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” This tells me that when I go to present my offering, my worship, my prayers to the Lord and I remember that my brother has something against me – that he has been offended by me, not that I have something against my brother (this comes later in another verse) – then I must go to him to resolve this matter before presenting my offerings to the Lord. Reconciliation is more important to the Lord than offerings.

Verse 23 starts with “therefore,” which is a word of connection with what was said before: “You have heard that it was said by those of old, ‘You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment.’ But I say to you, that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, ‘Raca!’ shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, ‘You fool,’ shall be in danger of hell fire” (vv.21-22). Reflecting on this we understand that murder starts in the heart with bad thoughts. The Lord wants us to approach our brother and be reconciled with him. By doing so, these bad thoughts that my brother may have had toward me will not develop into something much more serious. It is my responsibility to go to him to seek reconciliation that his heart can be pure and free toward God and me. Even though I have nothing against him, it is my responsibility to go to him.

On the other hand, if my brother has sinned against me it is also my responsibility to go to him to speak with him, to do what can be done to be reconciled with him. Matthew 18:15-17 says, “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen, a tax collector.”

“Moreover” connects us with the previous verses. In them we read about the good shepherd who went to look for one lost sheep. We get the sense that the shepherd looked and looked and looked until he found the lost one. This is what our attitude should be in looking for reconciliation with the one who has offended or sinned against us. In Matthew 17–18 humility is the main characteristic. It is absolutely necessary as we seek reconciliation. So if my brother has sinned against me, it is my responsibility to go to my brother, seeking him out diligently, patiently and humbly to win him back.

Some Implications
First Corinthians 10–11 teach there is unity and fellowship between believers as we worship and partake of the emblems together. With this in view, we must ask, “Is it honest and honoring to the Lord to show unity and fellowship by sitting at the table and eating the supper with any brother or sister whom I have offended or who offended me?” Would this not be hypocrisy and a contradiction of what we are doing? The Lord wants us to be reconciled with each other.

Consider Job
Job’s three friends were under God’s hand of judgment for their condemnation of righteous Job. Therefore God told them to go to Job with their sacrifices to offer up for themselves a burnt offering. Job was to pray for them. When these things were done, they were forgiven and Job received God’s full blessing (Job 42:7-10). From this account we see an important principle: neither party or person is free until each one has forgiven and tried to be reconciled with the other.

Ponder Philemon
We have spoken of God’s great sacrifice of His Son in order to provide for our reconciliation. That price was paid and the sacrifice was made to achieve this end. Reading the short New Testament letter from Paul to Philemon we see a similar attitude and willingness by the apostle to have reconciliation between Onesimus and Philemon, so much so that Paul was willing to pay what was necessary to attain it.

Onesimus was a slave of Philemon’s who had run away and ended up in Rome. While there he had contact with Paul and became a Christian. According to Roman law, he was to be brought back to his owner, who could kill his slave if he so desired. Paul, knowing very well that this was Philemon’s right, insisted that Onesimus return to his master regardless of the consequences.

Paul sent a letter with Onesimus to Philemon. In it, Paul acknowledged that Onesimus was guilty; then he appealed to Philemon from the depth of his heart that Philemon forgive Onesimus. The apostle appealed to Philemon on a very intimate and personal level that he do what was the proper Christian thing to do: forgive Onesimus and be reconciled. Paul realized reconciliation is a serious and costly matter, so he offered to pay Philemon for any wrong done by Onesimus and asked that Onesimus be received even as if he were Paul himself. What a beautiful example of reconciliation, recognizing very clearly the price involved.

If We Cannot Be Reconciled
Although it is obvious that it is the responsibility of each one of us to be reconciled with our brothers and sisters, God knows the hardness of our hearts. In Matthew 18 we saw that it might not be possible to win over our brother. Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” It implies that there may be times when we cannot be at peace with everyone. But the onus, or difficult burden, is on our part, in honesty and faithfulness before God, to be at peace, reconciled with each person.

If after having done all possible and still we have not succeeded, then what are we to do? The teachings of the Lord are very clear: we must forgive one another, not just once or twice but “seventy times seven” (Mt. 18:22). We need to forgive even if the other does not seek reconciliation. To hold a grudge or complaint against our brother ties us emotionally to them, does not give peace, consumes us in a negative way and costs us greatly.

Consider the attitude we see in Joseph. He had been wronged. His brothers had sold him into slavery and reconciliation was humanly impossible. Joseph was mindful that God is sovereign, and he confided in Him even as he thought about his family. We see this in the names he gave to his sons: “To Joseph were born two sons before the years of famine came ... Joseph called the name of the firstborn Manasseh: ‘For God has made me forget all my toil and all my father’s house.’ And the name of the second he called Ephraim: ‘For God has caused me to be fruitful in the land of my affliction’” (Gen. 41:50-52).

Later when Joseph’s brothers came to Egypt to buy food, Joseph recognized them but did not take revenge against them, for he had given the matter over to God. This we see more clearly in the words he spoke to his brothers years later: “Joseph said to them, ‘Do not be afraid, for am I in the place of God? But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive. Now therefore, do not be afraid; I will provide for you, and your little ones.’ And he comforted them and spoke kindly to them” (50:19-21).

Joseph had lived many years at peace, trusting God in it all even though he knew that his brothers had done him wrong. His brothers, however, lived in fear and guilt for the wrong they had done. David too, when fleeing from Saul, confided in God rather than trusting in Saul and his empty words.

With the help of the Lord we must seek reconciliation, regardless if we are the offended or the offender. This can only be done in humility and with a willingness to pay a cost. We must forgive.

The world is plagued by conflicts of all proportions, but the Lord is the Prince of peace and reconciliation. May we trust Him, do His will and live for Him and His honor and glory. Let us be like Him, “who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously” (1 Pet. 2:23).

By Albert Blok