Pre-Marriage Relationships / Part Three

Family – January 2014 – Grace & Truth Magazine

PRE-MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIPS

The Search For A Christian Life Partner / Part Three

“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.” — Psalm 119:105  NIV

Having considered several important points for those seeking a mate and for all believers in the previous two parts of this article,, we will continue this month with more detailed, fatherly advice related to finding that one with whom you can honor God in marriage..

Finding That Mate
As quoted earlier, “A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord” (1 Cor. 7:39). This widow like every other unmarried Christian is “free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.” How can we exercise this freedom to marry today? How can someone go about finding his or her life partner?

God’s will for my life has boundaries. Some boundaries are clearly stated in Scripture while others are based on Biblical principles. Within these boundaries the Lord allows us freedom to choose. From the Scriptures we learn that our heavenly Father is not only interested in our choices but also in how we reach our decisions, values and motivations. Do we take Him into account in our decision-making processes? Are we seeking His guidance? Are we desiring to promote His kingdom?

When considering a marriage partner, Scripture provides some clear boundaries:

• He must be a Christian – therefore all non-Christians will be excluded.
• He must not be married to another person – therefore all people in a marriage relationship will be excluded.
• He must be a man if you are a woman, and vice-versa – therefore all those of your own gender will be excluded.
• If you already sense a specific calling of God in your life you should seek someone who also has that calling or is sympathetic towards it – not someone opposed to it.

Important Observations

• Fixed and flexible boundaries: Some of the boundaries are fixed and we have no authority to move them. For example, a non-Christian should never be considered as a potential marriage partner. That boundary is fixed. With other boundaries, such as age, maturity, education, cultural background and the like, you may be cautiously flexible.
• Love and realism: Don’t forget that you are not perfect and that the perfect life partner doesn’t exist. God designed marriage for humans and all of them have their faults. Look at happy marriages around you: it is possible to be happily married without being perfect!
• Taking initiative: It makes good natural sense to consciously seek, go to events and get involved in projects that allow you to meet and interact with fellow Christians. You will need to take some initiative.

One thing must be clear: Once you have married your spouse becomes the “right one” for you. Love that marriage partner and be faithful to him or her for the rest of your life. Don’t entertain “what if” thoughts about others – that phase has past. Exclusively build up the relationship with the one to whom the Lord God has united you until death breaks you apart.

Becoming Romantic And Exclusive
We shall now consider that very special period which moves a couple from friendship to marriage. At some point a man and a woman become aware that something more than a good friendship has been awakened between them. It is “romantic” since they feel strongly attracted to each other. This phase begins once this mutually agreeable sentiment has been expressed and responded to. It is an emotionally charged moment, and from then on certain expectations are awakened. This new phase in the relationship is “exclusive” since there is only room for the two of you. You will find yourself restricted and you will feel betrayed if you discover that your partner was simultaneously romantically involved with another person.

But this phase is also temporal because while there is some commitment it is not yet “lifelong.” This is a beautiful exploratory time where the exclusiveness of the relationship keeps others at a distance while you get to know each other better. During this phase the couple grows together, they feel they need each other, their souls begin to bond together and they become aware that they experience pain when separated for any length of time.

Since ending a romantic relationship is usually very painful for one or both of you, it is very wise to do some preliminary research before you say, “I love you” or “yes” to a romantic relationship. Here are some important areas for your consideration:

• Family: This is an important area of exploration because unconsciously we carry a great deal of our family background into our new relationships. How does he or she behave at home? Does he respect the authority of his parents? Does he help around the house? Is she negative or critical towards her brothers or sisters? Does it look like she wants to use you to escape from a difficult situation? Does she love her family?
• Character: What is the person really like? Is she open and honest? Does she take her responsibilities seriously? Does he finish what he has begun? Does he have or has he had some addiction? Is he kind? Is she forgiving? Is he generous? Is he selfish? Is she proud? Does he show sensitivity towards the needs of others? Does he volunteer to help? Usually, it is difficult times that reveal someone’s true character. How does he behave under stress, pain or disappointment?
• Relationships: How does he relate to other people? What kind of friends does she have? Has he or she had a romantic relationship before? Has it really ended? Why and how did it end? Is he courteous and respectful toward women? Does she flirt with others? Does he have enemies? Does she make an effort to mend broken relationships? Does he seek to dominate or manipulate others? How does she function as a team player? Is he responsible? Do others consider him or her a good and loyal friend?
• Maturity: Is she emotionally stable? Does she depend emotionally on her parents or on some of her friends? Does he take his studies and work seriously? Is she afraid of hard work? Does he easily drop his commitments? Is she disciplined in her use of time and finances? Does he have debts? Is he easily offended? What does he do with his free time? Do others who know him/her, consider him/her prepared (or nearly so) to enter a marriage relationship?
• Spirituality: Do those who know him consider him a genuine born again Christian? Is the congregation with whom she worships considered to be one of “sound Biblical doctrine?” Does he show evidence of being a growing Christian? Would he make a good spiritual head for your home? Does she have Scriptural convictions? Does she have a faith of her own? Does he enjoy his walk with Jesus? Is he using his gifts to serve the Lord in his local church? What attitude does she have towards the leadership of her church? Does he take some initiative in spiritual matters?

What About The Parents?
As long as you are in some way dependent on your parents, they will feel responsible for you. That holds also for the person to whom you feel attracted. There may be some exceptions, but generally speaking it is very wise to seek the opinion and blessing of your parents. It is also true that it is your life that you are living before God. You will be responsible for deciding whether or not to marry and whom to marry, but to choose to ignore parents and their life experience on this important matter is usually not wise. Your parents probably know you fairly well and for many years. Their suggestions and words of caution or approval can be very valuable to you.

Parents usually love their children dearly. Your parents are deeply concerned about your future. Your friend’s parents are also deeply concerned about his or her future. By being open, by seeking the approval of parents and by keeping them informed of important developments you will win their trust, respect and affection – which is definitely a worthwhile investment!

Is The Relationship Unhealthy?
Sometimes a romantic relationship may start very well but in time it may turn unhealthy and even harmful. Here are some signs that a relationship is heading the wrong way:

• Ignoring the family: You are not alone. You will always remain part of your family. It is unhealthy when your partner is only interested in you and shows very little interest in your brothers, sisters and parents.
• Seeking physical pleasure: Of course you feel a sense of excitement when being together but your relationship is becoming unhealthy when physical contact becomes central. Love is patient and not self-seeking. True love waits.
• Excessive restrictions: Jealousy is a good and strong emotion which helps protect unique relationships. God also experiences this when something takes the place in our heart that only He should have: “Do not worship any other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God” (Ex. 34:14). A romantic relationship becomes unhealthy when one or both demand such attention that normal friendships and responsibilities are abandoned or forbidden.
• Spiritual decline: What effect does your relationship have on your ministry and your communion with Christ? Can you pray and discuss God’s Word together? Do you encourage each other to develop your gifts and grow spiritually? The relationship is becoming unhealthy if it is reducing your desire to worship and serve the Lord.
• Selfish motives: Some people desperately need a romantic partner in order to feel normal. They are in love with romance rather than with you. A relationship becomes unhealthy when it is not focused on both of you but on meeting the needs of one of you. The interest in you may be replaced by interest in what you have. You will want to marry someone who cares, accepts and respects you as a person – someone who loves you!

It is unrealistic to seek a perfect partner, but if you notice that your relationship is becoming unhealthy, take action! A healthy pre-marriage relationship is the necessary foundation for a healthy marriage, so take any warning sign seriously. Discuss your concern together. Agree on some new course or a new set of boundaries. If the other is unwilling to discuss the matter and persists in the wrong direction, seek advice from some mature Christian friend, preferably a married one. Be open to the possibility of terminating the relationship. Sometimes stopping, closing or bringing something to an end is simply the right thing to do. Courage will be required to put the relationship on pause or to bring it to an end. This must be done in a way that shows due respect for the other person and honors the Lord.

What To Do Now?
The choice of life-partner is one of the most important decisions you make on earth. But essentially, the decision process is the same as for the other decisions you make as a Christian. Your challenge now, as every Christian faces, is how to bring your life into harmony with God’s Word. Does something need changing? Should you correct some unhealthy attitude or practice?

We well know that our life decisions are determined more by our heart than our intellect – rational arguments are unlikely to change our behavior. Choose to surrender your heart to the Lord. Reaffirm Christ’s ownership rights on your life. Choose to trust your heavenly Father’s wisdom and love for you. Once the heart is right, a God-honoring behavior will follow.

By Philip Nunn

This concludes this three part Family article.