“How can I know if I should marry this girl?”

October 2015 – Grace & Truth Magazine

QUESTION: As a young man interested in being married, I am wondering how I can know if the girl I enjoy spending time with is the person I should marry?

ANSWER: Your question is an age-old question, the second-most important one most men will encounter in their lives. It is not an easy one to answer, but Scripture gives us help both by direct instruction and by positive and negative examples. King Solomon, the wisest man on earth in his day, wrote in Proverbs 30:18-19 of three things too wonderful for him, of four that he did not understand. This fourth one was “the way of a man with a maid” ( KJV ).

Our first father, Adam, was one of the few who never had to face this question. God in His superlative and unparalleled wisdom took note of his need, performed the first surgery on him, formed the rib He had taken from Adam’s side into a woman and brought her to Adam. Adam was taken up with the sight of this lovely creature God brought to him. We can somewhat share his feelings as he expressed his joy and ecstasy in words quoted by our Lord Himself and still often used in wedding ceremonies today (Gen. 2:23-24; Mt. 19:5).

God had brought her to Adam, and there were no others to becloud his vision. She was clearly created for him to meet his needs and was obviously the one God intended for him to marry! Yet only a short time later he was blaming this same woman (and indirectly God Himself) for his fall into sin – a fall that God in Genesis 3, Romans 5 and 1 Timothy 2 pins squarely on his disobedience in listening to the voice of his wife rather than to the word of God.

You ask how you can know that the girl you enjoy spending time with is the one you should marry. In Genesis 29 Jacob seems to have loved Rachel at first sight. He was willing to work many years to have her as his wife. On the other hand, note the order in Genesis 24:67: When Rebekah was brought to him, Isaac “brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and he took Rebekah, and she became his wife, and he loved her” (NKJV).

In Judges 14 Samson “went down” to the Philistine city of Timnah, saw a Philistine woman there, and told his parents, “Get her for me as a wife” (vv.1-2). He did not honor his father and mother, nor did he take their advice not to marry this heathen woman. In his great strength he even tore apart the lion God had sent to roar against him. Nothing could deter him from doing his own will, doing as the “young men used to do” (v.10), taking on thirty Philistine companions and ultimately finding his wedding and marriage a complete disaster!

I am assuming that you have been praying that the Lord would give the wife of His choice for you. You enjoy spending time with this girl. That can be very good and, depending on what the two of you do as you spend time together, can also be just the opposite. Are you both believers on the Lord Jesus Christ? That is a must, for God forbids the unequal yoke of a believer and an unbeliever (2 Cor. 6:14).

In fact, He specifies that a marriage should be “in the Lord” (1 Cor. 7:39). Do you ever pray together, seeking God’s blessing on your friendship and the time you spend with each other? Do you ever read and discuss God’s Word and the things of Christ together, enjoying spiritual fellowship along with your personal and social companionship. Remember, God has given you each a spirit, soul and body. From God’s perspective marriage will make the two of you one. This oneness should be a oneness of spirit, soul and body – not simply a physical and emotional union.

How far have you gone in your physical relationship one with the other? As human beings we are so constituted that the more time we spend together, the closer we want to be, and the closer we tend to get to each other. The world treats physical intimacy between people lightly, almost as a plaything or a pleasure to enjoy as much as one wants. God has reserved the joy of this aspect of the relationship for the marriage of a man and a woman. He defines all other such activity as fornication and condemns this in no uncertain terms throughout His Word. He tells us, “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled, but fornicators and adulterers God will judge” (Heb. 13:4).*

Truly, God views human marriage as a wonderful picture of something far greater: the relationship between His Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, as Bridegroom, and the Church, composed of every believer from Pentecost until the coming Rapture, as Bride. Ephesians 5:21-33 sets this beautiful type before us in a most touching way. When we understand what God intends marriage to picture, we as Christians of both genders certainly should want to bear this in mind in any relationship that might possibly lead to marriage here on earth – keeping ourselves pure for Him.

“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass” (Ps. 37:4-5). These are God’s instructions for us in life as a whole, and they certainly apply very especially to this aspect of life.

As you spend time together, getting to know one another, do you share common interests and goals in life? Do you each want to put the Lord first in your lives personally as well in your marriage and life together? What are your thoughts about careers, children and finances? Are you in agreement about these areas of life? Are there things you would like to change about the one you enjoy spending time with? If so, be careful; that’s a danger signal. What about her family? We do not merely marry an individual, but we marry into a family. Do you appreciate her choice of friends and her choices in other areas of life? How do your parents and family members feel about this individual? These are all factors to consider.

Some more factors stem from the fact that before God marriage is for a lifetime. The marriage vows include “in sickness and in health” and “for better or for worse.” Would you be willing to live with this woman and love her and care for her if she were to lose her health or become mentally disturbed or handicapped in some other way? Also, are you in a position to support a wife and, in due time, a family? God views the husband as head of the wife and as ultimately responsible for the support and spiritual leadership of the family.

In all this we’ve said little about beauty. The standard of beauty “which is very precious in the sight of God” is not the outward one on which the world focuses, but “the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit” (1 Pet. 3:4). “Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised” (Prov. 31:30). Hopefully this characterizes the person with whom you enjoy spending time.

Be assured, there is no perfect person on earth. You are not perfect, nor is the girl you are interested in. We have set out some guidelines – this article could easily be longer – but the Lord must make clear to you whether this girl is the one He would have you to marry. Seek His guidance in earnest, honest prayer. Pray together with her. If the Lord brings you together, you will certainly want to pray together regularly! Remember, His will is the most important thing for you – whether He grants you a wife or even if He directs you to remain single.

Answered by Eugene P. Vedder, Jr.

END NOTE
* If you have transgressed God’s will in this area of life, remember that this sin too can be confessed to the Lord and be forgiven. “He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy” (Prov. 28:13). But by all means do not continue in sin! “He who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body” (1 Cor. 6:18). In God’s governmental ways, fornication normally has its consequences, but, thank God, there is no sin the guilt of which cannot be forgiven.